well, it's me again. i apologize for being such a lazy blogger, but most of the time i'm out away from the computer. i'm going to see if i can start posting to here from my phone internet, though, so hopefully my updates will become more regular.

anyway, i've held pretty well steady at 142 lbs, taking new pics tomorrow, even though i haven't made any progress. i figured i might as well, haha.
oh! check out the pic of my new tattoo! (: got it started i think like two weeks ago, maybe, finally got it finished a few days ago... me and b got matching ones. (: they're on our hips, hers on the left, mine on the right haha. they're pretty cute. (:

photo was taken right after it was finished, so it's kind of messy haha. i'll take better photos of it after it's healed up and stops peeling and flaking!

anyway, there's been a lot of drama the past couple of days..... the biggest thing was, b found out that i'd slept with her ex-boyfriend (who will be called jm), which pissed her off majorly.... it's a long, complicated story between the two of them, but anyway, she was majorly pissed at me, but we talked and got it all sorted out... i'm kind of sad, though, because jm is freaking HOT. i think he's pretty amazing (as a person, friend, and in bed!), and i think that (if he had any interest in me besides as a friend/fuck buddy) he and i would make an AMAZING couple. unfortunately, we'll never know if that could happen, because one, i love b too much to do that to her, and two, because i don't think he has the same type of interest in me. but it's kind of whatever at this point, because i don't think i could be in a relationship right now.

oh, and speaking of relationships, j and i broke up. i'm kind of sad about that, but kind of happy too. while i love having a boyfriend, sometimes i just want to be a single girl, and flirt with whoever i want without feeling guilty. i've turned into a major flirt too, haha! i just feel very free in my own skin lately, and i love it.

anyway, i had a moment today. i walked into the house after spending another five days at b's apartment, pretty well high the whole time (wow, how come all my benders last five days? who knows!), and my mom takes one look at me and says "you look rode hard and put up wet". i kind of did a double-take at her, walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. my eyes have dark circles under them, my eyelids are heavy, my lips are chapped, and i had makeup smeared across my face. my shoulders were drooping slightly and i did look a hot mess. so i decided i'm going to stay home, away from the partying for a few nights, catch up on some sleep, and try to pretty myself up again.

it's odd though, because i've been looking at myself in a different light lately. most of the time i actually think i look hot (face-wise, anyway). even when i took that look in the mirror this morning, i looked like a mess, but somehow at the same time, there was a little something beneath it that kept me looking a little sexy. it's weird. i still hate most of my body, but from the chest up, i'm kind of hot. my collarbones are starting to pop again, my chin and cheekbones are getting a little more defined and i'm just looking good.... i'd be the happiest girl on the planet if i just had a flat stomach and less tits & ass. i don't really know what i'm trying to say--my thoughts confuse me sometimes. i think the point is, i'm gaining a little more self-confidence and self-esteem, even though i'm not happy with the way my body looks, i can still appreciate the few good things about it. it's just weird to me, because i've never had anything i've liked about my looks.

...i'm sorry haha. i've been kind of rambling on for this whole entry. i think i need some sleep, so i'm going to end here. (:

<3,
sparrow

hey everybody. i'm sorry i haven't been updating lately--life has been a crazy whirlwind lately, and it would take forever to retell everything.... but everything is actually really okay. i'm happy with where i am in life right now, and the only thing left for me to improve is myself.

unfortunately, that hasn't been going as well as i'd like. i haven't weighed myself since my last progress photos, and when i don't weigh myself for a while, i'm always scared to step on the scales again, especially if i was losing weight the last time i weighed. i'm always scared to step on there and see that i've just gained it all back. i don't know. maybe that's an irrational fear, but it still haunts me.
anyway, to keep my fears a little more in check, i'm going to be extremely strict on what i eat this week, exercise, the whole bit, and then step on the scales in one week's time. i'm a little nervous, but if i give it my all, i know that little number will reflect that, instead of reflecting the useless slob i see in the mirror.

i love you guys, and i miss you all. just a side note, if you're following me, but i'm not following your blog yet, please post a comment and i'll be sure and follow you. (: sometimes i comment, sometimes i don't, but i always read, and you always have my support. (:

<3,
sparrow

progress

ok, so these are the new photos... i don't see a lot of progress, myself.... i'm not sure. weighed in my bikini--141. halle-freaking-lujah. almost into the 130's again!!!

monday, october 10 -- 141 lbs

high

i have been high for a solid week.

this is the first time i have been almost sober since. and the only thing i want is to float away again, simply so i don't have to think of things i don't want to think of. being sober feels odd to me now. i'm not sure i like it.

i have hardly eaten in a week. when i'm high, the only thing on my mind is dancing and sleeping. never eating. i hate eating when i'm high. hate it. and so, i have reached my first goal weight. fully dressed, i weigh in at 143 lbs. i need to take new progress photos. my stomach feels less huge, and my shorts are fitting looser.

j and i are currently an 'item'. i was high and drunk when he finally asked me to be his again, and i said yes. we slept together yesterday, while we were both still mostly high, and it was pretty good, i guess, but i keep wishing it was p.... i know i'm using j as a crutch to get over p, but i'm not sure i care... i know j, and i know he doesn't have any real feeling for me, except as a friend, and that our 'relationship' is mostly a friends-with-benefits sort of thing, just as our last go at a relationship was. we're sort of using each other, just without saying as much. just sort of a mutual understanding that suits us both fine.

anyhow, i'm off to take new progress pics and to scrounge around the house for anything to give me a bit of my high back. i hate being sober. i know i'm soon to be addicted to being high, but i don't care. it's easier than dealing with all the bullshit of normal life. i'll come down--someday.

crazy week....

since friday, i've been here-there-everywhere. reconnected with my old best friend (we'll call her b, can't recall if i've mentioned her before) and my other old best friend, who is also an ex-boyfriend, j. my routine has consisted of: wake up around 2-3 in the afternoon, wait for my mom to get home from work, take the car to b's apartment, stay there surrounded by people i've quickly come to know and love until 4-4:30 am, drive back home so my mom can use the car to get to work, repeat.
wednesday will be great, because my mom is getting her car out of the shop, so if i just want to crash at b's place, i'll be able to. (: b, j, and i have had so many adventures in the past few days, it's insane. we're all closer than we ever were before, and i love it. they're pretty much my best friends on this planet right now. <3

as far as eating.... it's totally not been a priority. some days i don't eat at all until i come home in the morning, and then i'll eat something like a cheese stick (50) or something similar. i haven't weighed myself either... just hasn't been high on my mind, i've been running around so much. (: i feel like i might have lost some weight, though, so i do need to go check on that!!! life is just amazing... and the fact that p dumped me.... doesn't seem to hurt as bad anymore. yes, it still hurts, but since i have the two best friends in the world by my side, they keep me happy and sane. (:

i guess i'm going to go ahead and do the reflections i missed while i've been running around haha. (:

day eight: your workout routine
i had one, but i stopped sticking to it... mainly now, my entire routine is based pretty much on just not eating, or eating the bare minimum. eventually i'll get back to working out, i imagine, but right now life is too crazy, and i'm too busy holding on tight. (:


day nine: did anybody ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
my mom--constantly. just the subtle digs and stuff, you know what i mean? i'm not really aware of anybody else that did, since she was the main offender. but that's okay, because soon i will be skinny and she won't be able to say a damn thing <3

day ten: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this 'weight loss'?
eating in peace. now whenever i eat /anything/ there's a voice in my head constantly whispering "cut your portion down even more.... don't eat all of that! how many calories are in this? how are you going to make up for eating that? just imagine how you look--sitting here eating! you look so weak, like you rely on food, like everybody else... didn't you want to be skinny and beautiful? this isn't the way to get there!!!! STOP YOU FAT BITCH!" and also, whenever i eat, i imagine it all goes straight to my fat deposits and sticks there and never moves--even if it's something like three baby carrots, i still imagine i've gained a pound from it, and can literally feel my stomach growing and getting fatter. :\

reflections of the past two days

day six: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do.

do i breathe? yes, i binge, and after i always feel dirty, horrid, ugly, fat. sometimes a binge can consist of simply eating a tiny meal that wasn't alloted for in my daily calories, or it could consist of me inhaling everything in sight--it doesn't matter. a binge is a binge, and binges are bad.
however, the feelings only last until i drop another pound, when i realize, while binges are bad, they can be erased if you just get back on track and stick to it.

explain... sometimes, i feel binges are inevitable, if you've spent your whole life putting emotional meanings on food. to comfort you, to calm you down, to relieve boredom, etc. it's almost like quitting smoking--those feelings are still there, and when you hit a weak moment, somehow you find yourself with food in your hand. perhaps eventually the binges can be overcome, but it takes a strong will and a conscious mind.


day seven: do your parents know you're trying to lose weight? do they care?

yes, my mom knows i'm trying to lose weight. in that sort of passing way, where she knows i'm very conscious of what i eat, but she tends to be around for my binges, so she believes i'm not trying to lose it in a 'dangerous' way. which is the one reason i'm /ever/ grateful for a mini-binge sometimes. the last thing i need is someone nagging me about what to eat and when--i'm not seven years old.


oh, and i wrote a poem based on my last blog entry--please enjoy. (:

beauty's breakdown 
i am caught in a web
of my own weaving
that tells me what i am worth:
absolutely nothing,
unless i am loved.

the day you walked away,
i looked in the mirror
and saw a monster,
someone unworthy
of someone like you

my hair is a hazy cloud
and my eyes are dull.
my lips are chapped,
and yet i'm still biting them.
my breasts leap forward,
center of attention,
and my thighs are pale white,
and still too large

there is simply too much
for a girl like me--
someone who simply wishes
to disappear

this is the problem with love:
falling in love is masochistic-
you will be broken in the end.

my left wrist bears new scars,
and my right hand flicks a cigarette.
i have started down my old paths
laden with self-destruction
simply because there is nobody left to care.

i'm beyond influence now,
for i do as i please.
what i please is to starve
until my ribcage protrudes,
and i can fondle
the points of sharp hipbones.
what i please is to smoke
until my chest aches
and i wake choking on nicotine.

i cannot be with you now,
for i am no longer perfect,
for i have ceased to try.
my heart is closed off,
and you will not enter.

someday you will come around,
and you will open your eyes and see me,
an ugly, broken shell
of the girl you once loved.

yet somehow i pray,
you will not see ugliness,
but instead, see beauty in my breakdown.

there is poetry written between my fingers
and my eyes trace portraits on the ceiling
i am an artist tonight:
painting my own destruction

love and hate

me and myself—we have a love-hate relationship, that mostly gets in the way of such trivial things as 'feeling beautiful' and 'feeling as if i have worth'. my mind works on a separate wavelength that brings my own personal feelings of value down to 'how much weight have you lost today?' 'what did you eat today?' 'who loves you today?'.

it's a twisted web that i've woven around myself, telling myself that i am worth nothing unless i am both skinny and loved. i am neither, and thus i have no worth. the day he told me he couldn't love me at this point in time, i looked in the mirror, and all i saw was a monster. someone who was not worth being loved, someone who was not worth even a passing glance.

my hair is a hazy cloud around my face, and my eyes stare dully from a face that would be lovely, were it not for a slightly-too-high forehead, and protruding cheeks. my lips are dry and chapped, and i'm still biting them. my chin is a tiny thing that tilts upward in determination. my face tapers down a slightly-too-short, but otherwise slender neck, to the shoulders of a football player, my breasts leap forward, crying out “here i am!”. my waist tapers gently, and my stomach swells forward, an ugly blemish, a tumor behind my creamy pale skin. my hips jut to the sides, too large, too womanly a shape for a girl like me. my thighs touch, and i spend my days grabbing them and wishing they would magically shrink. my feet are wide and i sometimes think of them as hobbit's feet.

there is nothing subtle about my body. there is simply 'too much' and yet nothing outstanding that would make me 'beautiful', whether in a classically beautiful way, or a modernly beautiful way. i am simply the girl that is average beyond average and there is nothing that could capture interest in any way. he made me feel beautiful, for a time, until he decided he could not stay with me, for reasons of his own.

i cried that night. i never cry over breakups. i feel hurt, but i never cry. he is one of two people i have cared for above and beyond anything or anyone before. the first was when i was 15 years old. he and i were magic, and we lasted nearly a whole year, until he went his own direction.

that is the problem with falling in love with your best friends—they hold the power to break you beyond anything you have ever felt in your life. now i have started back down my old paths of self destruction. i started smoking again, because my hands needed something to keep them busy, away from the knife and my wrist—but too late, my left wrist bears new scars, and i can only hope to keep from adding more.

last night i went out with my old best friend—someone i hadn't hung out with in two months, simply because she's a bad influence at times. i'm beyond influence at this point. i do as i please, and what i please is to starve until i can cup my ribcage in my hands and fondle sharp hipbones protruding from my body. what i please is to smoke cigarettes until i wake up coughing so hard i cannot breathe.

what i please is to rekindle my friendship with a boy who broke my heart in january—one of my best friends, who i pushed out of my life after we had an arrangement that led to mutual hurt on both sides. this time, we have grown, and i feel that our friendship could be even more beautiful this time. when he smiles, he sets my heart on fire. i love the sort of friendship we have—so casual, and so easy. when we first met, it was so weird. when i first meet someone, i am shy. i cannot open up until much, much later, and then, only a little at a time. when i first met this boy (we will call him j), i felt so comfortable with him that within five minutes, i was telling him secrets that i had held close to my chest, never telling a soul. except him. we 'get' each other. and our friendship reflects that. we can be talking about something serious, and somehow it flips to us laughing. he makes it easy to talk to him, and our friendship is based upon that. the ease of talking, and just easy, harmless, casual flirting. i know, after what happened in january, that he and i couldn't be in an actual relationship, but somehow, i don't mind. i like us just the way we are.

i've come to the conclusion that i cannot be in a relationship. somehow, everything gets messed up, and everything falls apart. and so i'm on a 'love' hiatus. i will not give my heart away, and i will flirt with whoever i please, but i refuse to fall in love. trouble comes when you give your heart away too quickly, or to the wrong person.

and i will continue to grow thinner and thinner, until the right man cannot help but fall in love with me. until i cannot help but fall in love with him. and then my love story/fairy tale can start.

until then, remember: strength, grace, beauty. stay strong, come through with grace, and people will see your beauty.

<3,

sparrow

today, the fast went well <3 no food crossed my lips. entirely too much coffee? yes. but no food. (:
went for a two-mile walk, felt amazing. (: thinking about going for an after-dark jog, undecided about that just yet. (: but i'm feeling good today <3


day five: why do you really want to lose this weight? are you doing it for you?
hmm... i'm mostly doing it for me. mostly. i'm a work-in-progress on the whole 'loving yourself' thing... somehow, i always feel that would be easier if i was skinny.
everything wrong in my life, i somehow bring back to my weight. examples, "if you weren't so fat, he'd still be with you." "if you weren't so fat, she'd be your friend." "if you weren't so fat, you'd be smarter." just ridiculous stuff that doesn't make sense sometimes. i guess i feel like if i lose weight, my life will be so much better, which is another reason i really want to lose it.
and another, i guess, is to make people proud of me. to show them exactly what i'm capable of. i'm capable of being beautiful. i'm capable of being strong-willed and single-minded. i'm determined. i'm strong. <3

fast

i believe i'm fasting today. (: i didn't really plan to, i just rolled out of bed and though "well. today seems like a fast day. (:" and so it is. (:

in about thirty minutes, i'm going for a 2 mile walk, and then tonight i'm going for a jog. (: no strength workout tonight! i need to find a different one!! it all feels ridiculously easy to me. i guess i have better muscles than i thought. odd, when i'm still flabby as hell. i don't know--my body is freaking weird. hoping i can get enough progress in the next few days to show up in my results pictures!! this week's were so dang embarrassing, i don't want to go through that again. ):

anyway, i don't really have a lot else going on, so i'll keep this post short, and i'll post my daily reflection later tonight. <3

stay lovely,
<3,
sparrow

reflections

day four: your greatest fears about weight loss

i think my greatest fear is never being able to see it for myself. no matter what other people tell me about myself and my body, all i see is a gigantic cow staring back at me. no matter what--that's all i've ever seen.
another fear, i guess, would be being afraid i wouldn't be able to keep it off. i'm afraid i might go to sleep one night and wake up as a gigantic whale.
i just want to see my bones and reveal my beauty, but i'm so scared that's never going to happen. it keeps me up at night just scared that i'll never see it, that this will never be enough, and that i'll live out my entire life as the ugly duckling.

i'll never be a swan

<3,
sparrow

today:

breakfast:
1/2 cup light vanilla soy milk (40) over 1/2 cup kashi cereal (60) - 100 calories
supper:
1 cup campbell's select harvest italian wedding soup: 100 calories

stayed up all night last night, so slept practically all day. no time to take the walk i was supposed to take before it gets dark, and as i live waaaaay out in the woods, i'll be fucked before i walk down the road after dark. at night we have coyotes in our back yard, even, so i'm not going anywhere near the woods. :P tomorrow i'll take a walk as well as my jog, so that should balance me out. (:

i'm down to 147, finally! body keeps looking at me like "lol, right" when i weigh myself. -_- guess i'm finally getting rid of water weight. (: i'm using fiber choice tablets as well... probably using too many of those, but i'm not too concerned at this point. whatever works. (:

i think that's all that's gone on today, really... (: been a good day, again! (:

strength, grace, beauty,
<3,
sparrow

day one (:

lunch

quesadilla (one white corn tortilla, ½ stick string cheese) – 85 calories

snack

10 grapes – 20 calories

supper

¼ cup white rice w/ veggies (½ bell pepper, 3 mushrooms, 1 small onion) – 113 calories

snack

20 grapes – 40 calories

total: 258 calories

haven't done tonight's workout yet. planning on getting it done after i post this entry. (: i feel amazing today. just really light and happy. (: can't wait to get on that workout, so here's my reflection for the day!

day three: a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person? 

mila kunis! the reason she's my thinspo is, she's a similar height to me, and she's just so, so, so pretty. i love her stomach!! gah! <3

i haven't gotten to run tonight. i think i'm going to skip it, but i am going to do my strength workout.
spent most of the evening watching supersize vs. superskinny. the bigger portions just make me gag to think of eating!!! however, the smaller portions get gears turning. something like "ahhhhh, this is more like it."

anyway, not much to ramble about tonight..... p and i had a webcam chat earlier today... neither of us can wait to see the other. (: my best friend, s, says we're about the cutest couple she's ever seen. (: she says i get so giddy when i talk about p that it seems as if i've never had a boyfriend before, or ever been in love. i had to think about that for a second, but i realized that it's because before him, i have never been in love. he's been my best friend on earth for six years--nearly half my life. he knows everything about me and i know everything about him. when there's that sort of /connection/ between people.... it's almost impossible that they not fall in love. <3 he's so perfect for me, he's my other half.

on to the thirty day challenge, though.... (:
day two: how tall are you? do you like your height?
i'm 5'3.5"
generally, i hate my height. when you're short like this, it's so much harder to hide extra weight. gain two pounds? better believe it's going to show. it just feels like there's no room for error. if i were skinny, though, i would like it, because short, skinny girls are too freaking cute!!
i don't know. i can't decide if i like it or not. \:

september 26--148

ok... first in the series of pictures i'll be doing.
decided i'm going to take them once a week instead of every __ lbs. that'll keep me more honest and strict with what i eat, since i know at the end of the week, they're going straight out to y'all. (: i apologize VERY much for these photos, i know they're disgusting. ): next week, i'll take them in my bikini, but since i couldn't find it today, underwear it is.

monday, september 26 -- weight: 148 @ height 5'3.5"

decided today is going to be a fast day. (: feel like i need one of those!! also, it's the first day of my exercise program. (: i'll post tonight and let you all know how it goes! (: after this fast day, (and after i get to go grocery shopping!) i've decided to follow the diet found at lulani's blog the thin path. this is the diet. i'm hoping to be able to start it next week at the latest. like i said, though, that will involve grocery shopping. D: lovely!

anyway, i'll post later tonight, lovelies. (: stay strong, stay beautiful (and add me on faaaaaacebooooook ;P)

strength, grace, beauty
<3,
sparrow

until it makes me beautiful

so i've run across a thirty-day reflection thing about your journey to weight loss/the weightloss you've already experienced. figured i'd try it. (: just for fun. http://thirtydaystoreflectx.tumblr.com/page/3 there's a link to where each 'reflection' can be found. anyway. i'll be doing those at the ends of my posts. (:

but on to the main focus. today i've been fairly good, actually. large apple for est 100-110 calories, but then a packet of ramen (UGH! this crap keeps popping up!!!) for 350 calories. so about 450-460 calories for today. luckily though, we're almost out of ramen. (: i'd throw it away, but my mother would kill me. so as there's two packages left, and my mother doesn't eat the stuff, i'll have one package per day for the next two days, and nothing else. that'll get rid of that temptation, and also keep me down in calories. (: i just hate the sodium content too! makes me look bloaty. ): no matter. the problem will be dealt with soon. (:

yesterday i bought two books. one is 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi, the other is 'biting anorexia' by lucy howard-taylor. i'm about 1/4 of the way though 'unbearable lightness'. i'm loving the story. i keep comparing it in my head to 'wasted' by marya hornbacher, and in a way, i almost prefer portia's story. where marya was more focused on the disorder itself and all the different facets that led to it, and all the different facets of the disorder, portia (so far, anyway) seems less apt to lay blame on people and things in her life, and seems to be speaking from a place of 'this happened, and somewhere in the middle, i developed an ed', where as marya seemed more 'this happened, this happened and /because of that/, i developed an ed'. i suppose they're just written from two different places in life and in recovery, and hell, by two different women. but anyway, if any of you have read it, i'm to the part where she's finished her first day shooting 'ally mcbeal' and is eating with her brother. my opinion of how she's approaching this may still change, i don't know yet. i'll know when i finish, so shut up, sparrow, and do it. :P but yes, i do enjoy the way she writes, in any case.

ramble ramble ramble OH and i'm already down nearly two pounds. woohoo! exercised last night, as well. (: taking the night off tonight for my workouts in the week ahead. (: but on to my reflections (:

day one: stats and ten facts about yourself:
age: 18
height: 5'3.5"
current weight: 148
ultimate goal weight: 109 (for now!)
ten facts:
-sparrow isn't my name (though i'm sure you already realized that) but it is what i named the ed voice in my head. because she's so light and fragileboned, like a bird, and a sparrow is the bird i love most. (:
-i am from texas, and i love this state to death and back
-my prettiest feature is either my eyes or my lips--i can't decide.
-my favorite season is either early summer, where the air smells like freedom and morning, or early fall, when the air smells like nostalgia and change
-my favorite time of day is twilight, when air is melancholy and you can almost feel the world holding its breath.
-i love my boyfriend with a passion to end all passions. (: and i'm glad he puts up with me, as well. :P
-i'm obsessed with salad. obsessed. i'm going to quote a comment i made earlier on here to show just how much i love salad: "i actually prefer my salads dry, though. i don't know why, i just enjoy the taste of the veggies and how they're crunchy and slightly juicy with their own flavor variation. o_o i love salads (in case you couldn't tell haha!)" i could go on, but i'll leave it at that. :P
-i love reading, nearly as much as i love writing. (:
-i have a facebook addiction. D: 98% of my time online, no matter what site i'm on, facebook is likely to be open in a separate tab. (:
-i have a strange accent. 70% of the time, people think i'm british, 25% of the time people think i'm australian, 2% of the time people think i'm russian, 3% of the time people just ask where i'm from and don't give any indication of what they think, 0% of people recognize the 'redneck' in the voice, and therefore never realize "oh, texas. but with accent? o_O" idk. maybe i'm just weird :D

another supershort post-

i'm sorry, my attention span is about 0 at this point in time. i'm doing good just remembering to breathe. :P but anyway, i created a facebook account for this side of my life, just so i would have a better place than my blog to post short observations, etc, so if anybody has an account and wants to friend me, they should feel free. i don't bite <3

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002952559120
name is sparrow ana.
hope to (facebook) meet you soon <3

one month.

p will be here in one month.

i have to lose 30 lbs in one. month.

lord help me.

<3,
sparrow

plans

exercise goes like this:

the links are to 'wedding dress workouts', but they're the ones i've liked since i was engaged. i still enjoy them, even though that engagement was broken off. (: 

the 'run laps' refers to me running the perimeter of the house--refuse to run out on the road where people can see the flesh flapping :D 

week one

monday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=137

run 8 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)

tuesday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=139

walk two miles

wednesday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=149

run 8 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)

thursday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=153

walk two miles

friday

run 8 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)

saturday

walk 3.5 miles

sunday

rest

week two

monday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=137

run 10 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)

tuesday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=139

walk 3.5 miles

wednesday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=149

run 10 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)

thursday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=153

walk 3.5 miles

friday

run 10 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)

saturday

walk 3.5 miles

sunday

rest

week three

monday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=137

run 10 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)

tuesday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=139

walk 3.5 miles

wednesday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=149

run 10 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)

thursday

http://www.sparkpeople.com/resource/fitness_plan_generator_details.asp?id=153

walk 3.5 miles

friday

run 10 laps each way

(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)

saturday

walk 3.5 miles

sunday

rest

food goes like this:

breakfast: one lrg apple, glass of milk (101 + probably 120)

lunch: green tea, med orange (0 + 80)

supper: salad-dry, oolong tea (not to go above 50 cal + 0)

total: 351

i'll be sticking to this one. (: no. matter. what. i /will/ be the skinniest i've ever been for p. i will.

strengthgracebeauty,

<3,

sparrow 

beautiful

to begin, the greatest thanks to ahava אהבה , sophie, and cass for your comments on my last post. thank you all for caring, and your words really do mean so much to me. you're all beautiful—inside and out, and i truly mean that. thank you again—your comments really do mean the world to me, and thank you for your words of support. <3 lots of love sent y'all's way.

as for eating... i've been fairly good, i suppose. i haven't been keeping track of what i've been eating as i should be... i really need to. really badly. but today's been fairly good. had a packet of ramen – 350 cal—and that's all today. i fucking hate ramen. it's too delicious to be allowed, and way too high calorie to be sooooo darn good. but that's the only thing i've eaten so far today, and i plan on keeping it that way.

i need to get an exercise program pulled together. i used to be really good about exercising, but i've kind of fallen off the wagon in the past several months. just seems like i haven't had time, but that's going to change.... if you love me, please comment and tell me what kind of exercise program you do. (: i like getting ideas from other people. my mind is so boring when it comes to exercise haha. if you can, tell me stuff i could try that doesn't involve going to a gym—not only do i not have money for a membership, but i also hate gyms. i always seem to find the ones with lots of pretty, pretty girls and muscular guys, and that just makes me not want to drag my fat self up there. ): you'd think it'd be good thinspo, but nooo. just makes me more self-conscious and less likely to go. i'm weird like that.

today is also my first day to quit smoking. it's just gotten far too expensive for me, plus i'm quitting on p's request, also. (: he's good for me, y'all. really good for me. he makes me want to be the best me i can be, and he doesn't try to change what makes me /me/. he just inspires me to be beautiful and do great things. i love him so much <3 so i'm wearing the patch, and it itches like a bitch, but i don't seem to be having an allergic reaction. my mom says it's normal for it to itch a bit, so meh. i'll deal with it, if only for p's sake. (: i just don't see the attraction to cigs anymore, anyway. just. eh. ((:

i haven't weighed myself lately, and i really should, but i'm not going to step on the scales for another week, after i start my exercise program and logging what i eat. we'll just see how it goes. but i'm still determined that p will see me at my lowest weight. <3 i cannot /wait/ to see his face again. <3 absolutely cannot wait. <3

i guess i'm going to take some pictures tonight to begin a before/after slideshow. every 10-15 lbs, i'll take new pics, and i guess every 20 lbs or so, i'll do a before/after comparison. (: and after i hit my ugw, i'll put them all together. :D and then likely get into the process of setting a new ugw. (: that's just how i roll.

anyway, i've rambled on far too long. i love you all. stay gorgeous.

strengthgracebeauty <3

<3,

sparrow

strength & remembrance

my dad passed away on the 14th.

been sick to my stomach since. can't eat. i don't know why. i don't think it's hit me yet, really. thinking about his death still feels surreal--like it can't have happened. it's impossible, after all. he's my dad. he's always there. there's no fathomable reason he could /not/ be there. and yet he's not. when i have a question or observation and i turn to share it with him, his chair sits empty, and i feel an emptiness in my heart as well, and that's when i cry. rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks as i ask 'why? how?'. i have no answers for these questions. does anybody, really? and so my questions remain unanswered and i remain unfilled.

celebrated my 18th birthday on the 16th as well as i could. lit a candle in the yard, whispered an 'i miss you & i wish you were here' to my dad, blew out the candle. people observed it as best they could. there was no fanfare, no cake, nothing really. and i kind of liked it that way. being 18 seems intangible to me. it's a day i was dreaming of since i was 12--the day i could make my own decisions, the day i could be /free/. well, i'm 18. but i don't feel it. i buy my own cigarettes now, but that's it. just breathe in and out--it's just another year, i'm realizing. and the beginning of my first year without my dad.


the one bright spot in my days comes in the form of my best friend. p, the one i mentioned in my last post, i believe. as of this morning, he and i are a couple. that feels surreal as well. i'm endlessly happy over this turn of events, but as i haven't slept since tuesday night, i'm not sure if it has had time to sink in at all. like i said, i am ecstatic, but i'm sure this, at least, will seem more real after some rest.

i need to sleep more. i need to exercise more. i need to be more for my mom. i need to eat less. more, more, more, less. odd balance, i think, but it could work.

i have no idea when i will see p. within the next couple of months. last time he saw me i was 20lbs lighter. i will be 30lbs lighter than my current weight when he sees me next. i am determined. i believe in my heart i can do this. i believe. i believe. ibelieve.ibelieve ibelieveibelieveibelieve. maybe if i say that enough, i truly will.

it's worth a shot, anyhow.

        strength,                  grace,                    beauty
(comes from above)(comes from you)(comes with emptiness)

<3,
sparrow

finding the time

since starting college my life has become quite one-sided. on the days i don't have school, i spend most of the day studying, and the time that isn't spent studying is spent planning out my next study session, or thinking i'm lazy and will fail because i don't have a book in my hand at that very moment.

needless to say, this is a very stressful way to live. and so i've started more carefully plotting out my study times--though things will get easier once i get the research paper i'm writing for my history class turned in. it is due october 19, and i have to first get through two different books on my subject (susan b. anthony), and then write the paper and get the sources straight. argh. i seriously hate research papers. i also have a /major/ project coming up in my psych class, but it's going to be fairly easy. i have to propose a hypothesis and design an experiment around it... it'll be easy, because i don't have to actually carry out the experiment, just make a design for an experiment. once i have my hypothesis designed, i'll be golden.

i have two hypotheses i'm trying to decide between. the first is something along the lines of 'students who study throughout the week before an exam make better grades on the exam than students who cram at the last minute,' the second is 'students who get eight hours of sleep the night before a major test will make better grades on the test than students who slept little or not at all.' i'll probably wind up going with the second, but i need to have a meeting with my professor to get his input. luckily, the project is not due until the end of november, so i have time, but i'd rather get it done and out of the way, as it is mandatory to get a grade in the class. no turn in = grade of 'incomplete'. argh, stress.

anyway, as i was saying before, this one-sided piece of me is nothing new--when i have something to focus on (i.e. school; diet; exercise; and for a time, wedding planning) everything else tends to take a backseat. i have a very all-or-nothing personality haha. but since life itself is not all-or-nothing, i need to balance myself out. and so, starting tomorrow, i have regularly scheduled exercise planned into my week. i really need to get out more, but it seems my local friends and i are at two different places in our goal-plotting right now, and our schedules don't mesh. ah, well. i don't really mind, actually. i've become a bit of a loner in recent weeks, so i'm suited fine right now.

about diet: need to get one together. exercise will be a step in the right direction for me, but time is constantly ticking down for my upcoming trip to california (i think i mentioned that in my last blog entry, please correct me if i'm wrong!), but anyway. i haven't been eating much lately, mostly because there's not a lot of food in the house, due to my mom being tight on cash from trying to get me to school--she had to pay out more than she usually would, due to some paperwork fuck-up for my financial aid. but anyway, it's good that i haven't been able to eat a lot.

i've rambled on long enough, though, and i really need to hit the shower and get to bed--gasp, i'll actually be getting to sleep at a decent time tonight!! raging insomnia lately, it sucks BALLS. so hopefully i'll actually sleep instead of counting sheep. hooray.

strength, grace, beauty--you're all beautiful, so stay strong and come through with grace <3

<3,
sparrow

college

well, college is going well. i'm really having fun, and i'm really excelling in my classes. it's going a lot better than i thought, as i've always thought of myself as fairly non-academic, but now i'm seeing that i'm actually smarter than i look. ;] i feel like i'm not only proving it to myself, but also to everybody else around me.

but that's not the only bright spot in my life lately. i have plans to go to california over winter break. my best friend (who i have the biggest crush on~ !) lives there, and i'm planning on finishing my associates' degree there next fall.
but anyway, this guy (we'll call him p, for now) has been my best friend since i was 12 years old. last year, we actually dated for a while, but the distance got to me, so i ducked out... but i never lost feelings for him. we actually discussed it a few days ago, and he feels the same for me! so i'm excited to see him, and excited to see what this could mean for us. (:

only problem? weight. looks. etc. i mean, he knows what i look like and everything, but i want to lose all the weight and be gorgeous for this meeting. i'm planning on leaving december 20th, so hopefully-hopefully-hopefully-fingers-crossed-and-god-give-me-strength, i will have already reached my ugw--109 lbs. i'm praying, anyway. ): and i think i can do it. i hope. argh. i need to quit overthinking and just DO IT.

also, can everybody pray for me? i'm right in the middle of the texas wildfires that are going on right now... and it's really scary. so whether y'all pray or just send good thoughts my way, i'd appreciate it so much. (:

strength and beauty,
<3, sparrow

i'm feeling great. already down a pound <3
i'd forgotten how beautiful this feeling is, the feeling of  slowly becoming l e s s instead of m o r e.
i missed this. it's amazing to be back. <3

a letter

hello, love.

you've been away for quite some time. i was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten me. i never forgot you, you know. i've just been waiting for you to come to your senses and realize you can't live without me.

see? this is what you have been missing. this is what you have been denying yourself. no, now, don't give me that look. you know it's true. you can never achieve this without my help. you will never look like this without my guidance.

i'm sorry, darling, but you know i'm going to have to punish you for running away for so long. it's not going to be pleasant—i can promise you that. but won't it be worth it in the end? to prove yourself to me again? i can't help you if you won't accept whatever i tell you to do. in the end, don't you always discover that i know best?

you keep saying that you don't need me, that you don't have to prove yourself to me. but what about the rest of them? wouldn't it be nice to prove yourself to them for once? academically, you're shining like a star, and yes, i am very proud of you. but, darling, think how far you could go if you possessed not only brains, but beauty to match?

oh, you could outshine the sun. i know you could. you just have to listen to me. i'll just have to break you of that nasty habit of not listening to me and thinking you know better. love, you always come back to me. shouldn't that tell you something? that i was right all along?

'such a pretty face,' they tell you. but wouldn't it be prettier with cheekbones defined, jawline sharp enough to cut glass? with your pretty little ribcage peeking shyly through your skin, heart fluttering like a caged bird within? your fingers will be slender and delicate, and your legs will be the envy of everyone you see. don't you understand? i am the key to that paradise.

i can see the longing in your eyes. you want it, don't you? you want it all so bad you can practically taste it. well here it is. i'm holding it in the palm of my hand, and my fingertips are outstretched towards you. all you have to do is grasp my hand, squeeze it tight and follow me. i will show you the way. it's closer than you think, sparrow.  

just take my hand

and

f o l l o w

fast today & tomorrow.
new plan coming soon

stay strong or this cruel world will knock you down.

<3,
sparrow

thirty

pounds to go until i reach 115 for my wedding in march.

yes, i stepped on the scale today. and shouldn't have. i should've waited the extra week to go through a week of my six-month work-out plan. or maybe this was exactly what i needed? a kick in the ass to point me in the right direction?

hmm.

i'm shooting for 1-2 lbs/week. preferably 2. and i'll be there within 4 months. which gives me four more months of maintaining/losing a bit more if i feel the need. it'll give me a bmi of 20, but i'm thinking i'll be more comfortable with a bmi of 17-18. (97.5-103 lbs).

so far today, i've had an est. 500 calories and took a 20 min walk. not really planning on eating again until tomorrow. (:

how are you all doing? (:

smoke

tomorrow, the plan is to fast. i'll do my zumba at 1, maybe take a walk later in the evening. i'm not sure about the last part yet, because it has been deathly hot for the past two weeks. 100+, with the humidity making it about 5 degrees hotter than the thermometer says.
i do not want to melt, thank you though.
anyway, just a quick update.

how are you all doing?

air

i have not stepped on a scale in about three months.
how crazy is that?
i'm deathly afraid of what it will say. and when i say deathly,
i mean literally deathly afraid of the scale.

i hid my scale under my bed.
i couldn't even look at it anymore.
this was two months ago,
after it sat in my bathroom silently mocking me for one month.
thirty days.
seven hundred twenty hours.
forty three thousand two hundred minutes.
two million five hundred ninety-two thousand seconds.


i want to take it out. i want to weigh myself.
but i am afraid.
i know that if i weigh more than i want, i can simply exercise, diet, etc.
after all, a battle lost doesn't mean i can't win the war, does it?
but i'm still afraid.

so i set a date for myself--july 1.
i have to weigh myself.
i need to know.


my zumba dvds arrived. i tried the beginner dvd today. holy crap. it is harder than it looks. or i have no rhythm whatsoever. one or the other. tomorrow my six-month plan tells me to walk for 20 mins. lovely.
day after tomorrow, zumba again. this time, instead of halfassedly attempting to follow the dvd, i will watch how to do it, pause, do it until i get it right, continue.
july 1 goal weight--135. that's my 'usual' weight. and one i will not go above again.

xoxo, bre

plans

i just ordered a zumba dvd, and have pulled together a 6-month workout program. i have set a 900 calorie limit for the first month, stepping down 50 cals a month until i'm at 650 calories.

if i don't lose the weight this time, there is no hope left for me.

promise

i'm promising myself that no matter what, i'm not giving up this time.

not. this. time.

apology

i'm sorry.

i'm so, so sorry.

i've failed myself. i've failed everything.

i'm sorry.

floating

ah, emptiness,
how i've missed you so.
promise me you'll stay a while
and finally make me b e a u t i f u l~

scream

it'll make you feel better.

and then get off your ass,
shake it off,
and move on from there.

beautiful

this morning is off to an excellent start.... so far, one cigarette and one cup of coffee + diet pill and multivitamin for breakfast. hopefully tomorrow i'm going to be able to go grocery shopping. i'm planning on loading up on fruits and veggies (grapefruits, strawberries, pineapple, grapes, salad mix, baby carrots), low-calorie/sodium soups and bottled water. my plan is to stick at 500 calories or under, and with all the fruits and veggies, that will be super-easy to do. i'm planning on having fruits/veggies during the day and then one soup for supper. (:
hopefully this time i can pull myself from my bad habits and finally emerge victorious. (:

fast

i cannot focus anymore.

it's time to kickstart this shit.

i will fast tomorrow and the next day. and i will exercise. i'm in the process of making spreadsheets, and i'm going to fight this out. i will come out victorious this time.

survey

stolen from justlikewho <3

Age: 17
 Height: 5’3.5”
 Weight: 135
 Dress Size: idk
 Highest Weight: 173 lbs.
 Lowest Weight (at height): 125 lbs
 Goal Weight: 100 lbs
 Favorite Diet Food: fruit (esp. apples and grapefruit), salads,
 Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, mexican food, chips, sweets
 Favorite Exercise: walking with my dog, dumbbells, using leg weights,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
 Where Do You Slip Up: when i stop thinking about it so much. or when i have a 'good' day where i feel good about myself. and once i do slip up, it starts a snowball effect. so if i slip up once, i will more than likely continue down that path until i somehow manage to shake myself out of it.


When Did It Start?
 Hating your body: since i was 13.
 Restricting/counting: about two years.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
 How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: too many at the moment. i would love to stay below 500 a day--that's when i seem to have the best success.
 What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: squishy all over. too much boob, too much ass, too much thigh.
 Are You In A Relationship: yes
 Are You Depressed: not as much as i used to be.
 Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes. when i was 13.
 Ever Been To A Psychologist: no

I AM -
 [ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
 [ ] bulimic
 [x] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
 [x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
 [ ] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
 [x] call me fat
 [] say I’m skinny
 [] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
 [] force me to eat
 [] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
 [x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
 [] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal


I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
 [x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE -
 [x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
 [x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
 [ ] I have a tattoo. (i wish)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
 [ ] I wear glasses.
 [x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
 [x] I have freckles.


FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
 [x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.


EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
 [] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS -
 [] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
 [x] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
 [] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
 [] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
 [x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.


BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
 [] I’ve used laxatives
 [] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
 [] I exercise so I can eat
 [] I work out secretly
 [] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
 [] I’ve fainted from exhaustion

I’VE DONE -
 [] Weed
 [x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
 [] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
 [] Ecstasy
[] LSD
 [] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

period

stupid period. always makes me gain.

strange thing is, though i've been eating, i have no appetite. my stomach growls and i get shaky, but when i put food in my mouth, i don't even want to chew. and the thought of eating makes me vaguely nauseous.

i believe it's due to the diet pills i've been taking--possibly. i don't really know. whatever it is, i will use it to my advantage.

greed

i will no longer be greedy:

i will shrink until
i only take up
my fair share of
s  p  a  c  e

fighter

"you look like you're gaining"

"really? i weigh the same"

"well you're getting a gut"

"gee thanks mom"

and so i'm fighting back. harder than ever before.

light

i breathe in

breathe out

and realize that i am not perfect

that i make mistakes

and even though i've messed up, i can instantly give myself a second chance. i know from experience that if you focus on your mistakes and the times you've messed up, you automatically ruin your second chances. if you're focused on your mistakes, then you feel as if you can't take another chance. and i'm not going to mess myself up this time.

so breathe in

breathe out

and know that this time

you will be lighter than

a  .  i  .  r

storm

this weekend will be amazing.

i will not eat.

i will drink myself silly.

and maybe i will simply forget myself for a while.

i'm currently caught in the eye of a storm. one half of my life is beautiful and amazing, and working out exactly the way i have always hoped it would. the other half is falling apart piece by piece, while i struggle to find some peace.

my dad is dying.

my heart is breaking because i cannot do anything to save him.

all i can do is pray with all my strength that there's a cure, whether it be found in medicine and doctors, or simply found through blind faith in whatever god will listen to my pleas.

i'm hoping against everything i've been told, everything logic and science tells me that he will make a full recovery and live for eighty more years. live to be a part of the rest of my life, my children's life, my children's children's life. grow old with my mother. nobody is ready for this.

forty-eight is too young to be a widow.

seventeen is too young to lose your father.

and fifty-one is simply too. damn. young. to. die.

introduction

i'm nothing special. believe me, i already know this for a fact.

i've had my share of failures, but i've also had just a touch of success. it is this success that keeps me going, even when i wonder what the use is anymore.

i'm just an average girl who lives in a tiny town, who is nothing special, even in this small pond.
i do not stand out from a crowd. if you saw me, you would not do a double-take. you would just pass me by and i would not even register on your radar.

i am drowning in my insecurities and my averageness. this is my attempt to break free of the prison of my mind. it is mind over matter in this endeavor. i'm not backing down. this is my journey, this is my time to shine.

i'm just a girl.

this is just my story.