light

i breathe in

breathe out

and realize that i am not perfect

that i make mistakes

and even though i've messed up, i can instantly give myself a second chance. i know from experience that if you focus on your mistakes and the times you've messed up, you automatically ruin your second chances. if you're focused on your mistakes, then you feel as if you can't take another chance. and i'm not going to mess myself up this time.

so breathe in

breathe out

and know that this time

you will be lighter than

a  .  i  .  r

storm

this weekend will be amazing.

i will not eat.

i will drink myself silly.

and maybe i will simply forget myself for a while.

i'm currently caught in the eye of a storm. one half of my life is beautiful and amazing, and working out exactly the way i have always hoped it would. the other half is falling apart piece by piece, while i struggle to find some peace.

my dad is dying.

my heart is breaking because i cannot do anything to save him.

all i can do is pray with all my strength that there's a cure, whether it be found in medicine and doctors, or simply found through blind faith in whatever god will listen to my pleas.

i'm hoping against everything i've been told, everything logic and science tells me that he will make a full recovery and live for eighty more years. live to be a part of the rest of my life, my children's life, my children's children's life. grow old with my mother. nobody is ready for this.

forty-eight is too young to be a widow.

seventeen is too young to lose your father.

and fifty-one is simply too. damn. young. to. die.

introduction

i'm nothing special. believe me, i already know this for a fact.

i've had my share of failures, but i've also had just a touch of success. it is this success that keeps me going, even when i wonder what the use is anymore.

i'm just an average girl who lives in a tiny town, who is nothing special, even in this small pond.
i do not stand out from a crowd. if you saw me, you would not do a double-take. you would just pass me by and i would not even register on your radar.

i am drowning in my insecurities and my averageness. this is my attempt to break free of the prison of my mind. it is mind over matter in this endeavor. i'm not backing down. this is my journey, this is my time to shine.

i'm just a girl.

this is just my story.