today, the fast went well <3 no food crossed my lips. entirely too much coffee? yes. but no food. (:
went for a two-mile walk, felt amazing. (: thinking about going for an after-dark jog, undecided about that just yet. (: but i'm feeling good today <3
day five: why do you really want to lose this weight? are you doing it for you?
hmm... i'm mostly doing it for me. mostly. i'm a work-in-progress on the whole 'loving yourself' thing... somehow, i always feel that would be easier if i was skinny.
everything wrong in my life, i somehow bring back to my weight. examples, "if you weren't so fat, he'd still be with you." "if you weren't so fat, she'd be your friend." "if you weren't so fat, you'd be smarter." just ridiculous stuff that doesn't make sense sometimes. i guess i feel like if i lose weight, my life will be so much better, which is another reason i really want to lose it.
and another, i guess, is to make people proud of me. to show them exactly what i'm capable of. i'm capable of being beautiful. i'm capable of being strong-willed and single-minded. i'm determined. i'm strong. <3
Thursday, September 29, 2011
fast
i believe i'm fasting today. (: i didn't really plan to, i just rolled out of bed and though "well. today seems like a fast day. (:" and so it is. (:
in about thirty minutes, i'm going for a 2 mile walk, and then tonight i'm going for a jog. (: no strength workout tonight! i need to find a different one!! it all feels ridiculously easy to me. i guess i have better muscles than i thought. odd, when i'm still flabby as hell. i don't know--my body is freaking weird. hoping i can get enough progress in the next few days to show up in my results pictures!! this week's were so dang embarrassing, i don't want to go through that again. ):
anyway, i don't really have a lot else going on, so i'll keep this post short, and i'll post my daily reflection later tonight. <3
stay lovely,
<3,
sparrow
in about thirty minutes, i'm going for a 2 mile walk, and then tonight i'm going for a jog. (: no strength workout tonight! i need to find a different one!! it all feels ridiculously easy to me. i guess i have better muscles than i thought. odd, when i'm still flabby as hell. i don't know--my body is freaking weird. hoping i can get enough progress in the next few days to show up in my results pictures!! this week's were so dang embarrassing, i don't want to go through that again. ):
anyway, i don't really have a lot else going on, so i'll keep this post short, and i'll post my daily reflection later tonight. <3
stay lovely,
<3,
sparrow
reflections
day four: your greatest fears about weight loss
i think my greatest fear is never being able to see it for myself. no matter what other people tell me about myself and my body, all i see is a gigantic cow staring back at me. no matter what--that's all i've ever seen.
another fear, i guess, would be being afraid i wouldn't be able to keep it off. i'm afraid i might go to sleep one night and wake up as a gigantic whale.
i just want to see my bones and reveal my beauty, but i'm so scared that's never going to happen. it keeps me up at night just scared that i'll never see it, that this will never be enough, and that i'll live out my entire life as the ugly duckling.
i'll never be a swan
<3,
sparrow
i think my greatest fear is never being able to see it for myself. no matter what other people tell me about myself and my body, all i see is a gigantic cow staring back at me. no matter what--that's all i've ever seen.
another fear, i guess, would be being afraid i wouldn't be able to keep it off. i'm afraid i might go to sleep one night and wake up as a gigantic whale.
i just want to see my bones and reveal my beauty, but i'm so scared that's never going to happen. it keeps me up at night just scared that i'll never see it, that this will never be enough, and that i'll live out my entire life as the ugly duckling.
i'll never be a swan
<3,
sparrow
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
today:
breakfast:
1/2 cup light vanilla soy milk (40) over 1/2 cup kashi cereal (60) - 100 calories
supper:
1 cup campbell's select harvest italian wedding soup: 100 calories
stayed up all night last night, so slept practically all day. no time to take the walk i was supposed to take before it gets dark, and as i live waaaaay out in the woods, i'll be fucked before i walk down the road after dark. at night we have coyotes in our back yard, even, so i'm not going anywhere near the woods. :P tomorrow i'll take a walk as well as my jog, so that should balance me out. (:
i'm down to 147, finally! body keeps looking at me like "lol, right" when i weigh myself. -_- guess i'm finally getting rid of water weight. (: i'm using fiber choice tablets as well... probably using too many of those, but i'm not too concerned at this point. whatever works. (:
i think that's all that's gone on today, really... (: been a good day, again! (:
strength, grace, beauty,
<3,
sparrow
1/2 cup light vanilla soy milk (40) over 1/2 cup kashi cereal (60) - 100 calories
supper:
1 cup campbell's select harvest italian wedding soup: 100 calories
stayed up all night last night, so slept practically all day. no time to take the walk i was supposed to take before it gets dark, and as i live waaaaay out in the woods, i'll be fucked before i walk down the road after dark. at night we have coyotes in our back yard, even, so i'm not going anywhere near the woods. :P tomorrow i'll take a walk as well as my jog, so that should balance me out. (:
i'm down to 147, finally! body keeps looking at me like "lol, right" when i weigh myself. -_- guess i'm finally getting rid of water weight. (: i'm using fiber choice tablets as well... probably using too many of those, but i'm not too concerned at this point. whatever works. (:
i think that's all that's gone on today, really... (: been a good day, again! (:
strength, grace, beauty,
<3,
sparrow
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
day one (:
lunch
quesadilla (one white corn tortilla, ½ stick string cheese) – 85 calories
snack
10 grapes – 20 calories
supper
¼ cup white rice w/ veggies (½ bell pepper, 3 mushrooms, 1 small onion) – 113 calories
snack
20 grapes – 40 calories
total: 258 calories
haven't done tonight's workout yet. planning on getting it done after i post this entry. (: i feel amazing today. just really light and happy. (: can't wait to get on that workout, so here's my reflection for the day!
day three: a picture of your thinspiration. what features do you like about this person?
mila kunis! the reason she's my thinspo is, she's a similar height to me, and she's just so, so, so pretty. i love her stomach!! gah! <3
i haven't gotten to run tonight. i think i'm going to skip it, but i am going to do my strength workout.
spent most of the evening watching supersize vs. superskinny. the bigger portions just make me gag to think of eating!!! however, the smaller portions get gears turning. something like "ahhhhh, this is more like it."
anyway, not much to ramble about tonight..... p and i had a webcam chat earlier today... neither of us can wait to see the other. (: my best friend, s, says we're about the cutest couple she's ever seen. (: she says i get so giddy when i talk about p that it seems as if i've never had a boyfriend before, or ever been in love. i had to think about that for a second, but i realized that it's because before him, i have never been in love. he's been my best friend on earth for six years--nearly half my life. he knows everything about me and i know everything about him. when there's that sort of /connection/ between people.... it's almost impossible that they not fall in love. <3 he's so perfect for me, he's my other half.
on to the thirty day challenge, though.... (:
day two: how tall are you? do you like your height?
i'm 5'3.5"
generally, i hate my height. when you're short like this, it's so much harder to hide extra weight. gain two pounds? better believe it's going to show. it just feels like there's no room for error. if i were skinny, though, i would like it, because short, skinny girls are too freaking cute!!
i don't know. i can't decide if i like it or not. \:
spent most of the evening watching supersize vs. superskinny. the bigger portions just make me gag to think of eating!!! however, the smaller portions get gears turning. something like "ahhhhh, this is more like it."
anyway, not much to ramble about tonight..... p and i had a webcam chat earlier today... neither of us can wait to see the other. (: my best friend, s, says we're about the cutest couple she's ever seen. (: she says i get so giddy when i talk about p that it seems as if i've never had a boyfriend before, or ever been in love. i had to think about that for a second, but i realized that it's because before him, i have never been in love. he's been my best friend on earth for six years--nearly half my life. he knows everything about me and i know everything about him. when there's that sort of /connection/ between people.... it's almost impossible that they not fall in love. <3 he's so perfect for me, he's my other half.
on to the thirty day challenge, though.... (:
day two: how tall are you? do you like your height?
i'm 5'3.5"
generally, i hate my height. when you're short like this, it's so much harder to hide extra weight. gain two pounds? better believe it's going to show. it just feels like there's no room for error. if i were skinny, though, i would like it, because short, skinny girls are too freaking cute!!
i don't know. i can't decide if i like it or not. \:
Monday, September 26, 2011
september 26--148
ok... first in the series of pictures i'll be doing.
decided i'm going to take them once a week instead of every __ lbs. that'll keep me more honest and strict with what i eat, since i know at the end of the week, they're going straight out to y'all. (: i apologize VERY much for these photos, i know they're disgusting. ): next week, i'll take them in my bikini, but since i couldn't find it today, underwear it is.
monday, september 26 -- weight: 148 @ height 5'3.5"
decided today is going to be a fast day. (: feel like i need one of those!! also, it's the first day of my exercise program. (: i'll post tonight and let you all know how it goes! (: after this fast day, (and after i get to go grocery shopping!) i've decided to follow the diet found at lulani's blog the thin path. this is the diet. i'm hoping to be able to start it next week at the latest. like i said, though, that will involve grocery shopping. D: lovely!
anyway, i'll post later tonight, lovelies. (: stay strong, stay beautiful (and add me on faaaaaacebooooook ;P)
strength, grace, beauty
<3,
sparrow
decided i'm going to take them once a week instead of every __ lbs. that'll keep me more honest and strict with what i eat, since i know at the end of the week, they're going straight out to y'all. (: i apologize VERY much for these photos, i know they're disgusting. ): next week, i'll take them in my bikini, but since i couldn't find it today, underwear it is.
monday, september 26 -- weight: 148 @ height 5'3.5"
decided today is going to be a fast day. (: feel like i need one of those!! also, it's the first day of my exercise program. (: i'll post tonight and let you all know how it goes! (: after this fast day, (and after i get to go grocery shopping!) i've decided to follow the diet found at lulani's blog the thin path. this is the diet. i'm hoping to be able to start it next week at the latest. like i said, though, that will involve grocery shopping. D: lovely!
anyway, i'll post later tonight, lovelies. (: stay strong, stay beautiful (and add me on faaaaaacebooooook ;P)
strength, grace, beauty
<3,
sparrow
Sunday, September 25, 2011
until it makes me beautiful
so i've run across a thirty-day reflection thing about your journey to weight loss/the weightloss you've already experienced. figured i'd try it. (: just for fun. http://thirtydaystoreflectx.tumblr.com/page/3 there's a link to where each 'reflection' can be found. anyway. i'll be doing those at the ends of my posts. (:
but on to the main focus. today i've been fairly good, actually. large apple for est 100-110 calories, but then a packet of ramen (UGH! this crap keeps popping up!!!) for 350 calories. so about 450-460 calories for today. luckily though, we're almost out of ramen. (: i'd throw it away, but my mother would kill me. so as there's two packages left, and my mother doesn't eat the stuff, i'll have one package per day for the next two days, and nothing else. that'll get rid of that temptation, and also keep me down in calories. (: i just hate the sodium content too! makes me look bloaty. ): no matter. the problem will be dealt with soon. (:
yesterday i bought two books. one is 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi, the other is 'biting anorexia' by lucy howard-taylor. i'm about 1/4 of the way though 'unbearable lightness'. i'm loving the story. i keep comparing it in my head to 'wasted' by marya hornbacher, and in a way, i almost prefer portia's story. where marya was more focused on the disorder itself and all the different facets that led to it, and all the different facets of the disorder, portia (so far, anyway) seems less apt to lay blame on people and things in her life, and seems to be speaking from a place of 'this happened, and somewhere in the middle, i developed an ed', where as marya seemed more 'this happened, this happened and /because of that/, i developed an ed'. i suppose they're just written from two different places in life and in recovery, and hell, by two different women. but anyway, if any of you have read it, i'm to the part where she's finished her first day shooting 'ally mcbeal' and is eating with her brother. my opinion of how she's approaching this may still change, i don't know yet. i'll know when i finish, so shut up, sparrow, and do it. :P but yes, i do enjoy the way she writes, in any case.
ramble ramble ramble OH and i'm already down nearly two pounds. woohoo! exercised last night, as well. (: taking the night off tonight for my workouts in the week ahead. (: but on to my reflections (:
day one: stats and ten facts about yourself:
age: 18
height: 5'3.5"
current weight: 148
ultimate goal weight: 109 (for now!)
ten facts:
-sparrow isn't my name (though i'm sure you already realized that) but it is what i named the ed voice in my head. because she's so light and fragileboned, like a bird, and a sparrow is the bird i love most. (:
-i am from texas, and i love this state to death and back
-my prettiest feature is either my eyes or my lips--i can't decide.
-my favorite season is either early summer, where the air smells like freedom and morning, or early fall, when the air smells like nostalgia and change
-my favorite time of day is twilight, when air is melancholy and you can almost feel the world holding its breath.
-i love my boyfriend with a passion to end all passions. (: and i'm glad he puts up with me, as well. :P
-i'm obsessed with salad. obsessed. i'm going to quote a comment i made earlier on here to show just how much i love salad: "i actually prefer my salads dry, though. i don't know why, i just enjoy the taste of the veggies and how they're crunchy and slightly juicy with their own flavor variation. o_o i love salads (in case you couldn't tell haha!)" i could go on, but i'll leave it at that. :P
-i love reading, nearly as much as i love writing. (:
-i have a facebook addiction. D: 98% of my time online, no matter what site i'm on, facebook is likely to be open in a separate tab. (:
-i have a strange accent. 70% of the time, people think i'm british, 25% of the time people think i'm australian, 2% of the time people think i'm russian, 3% of the time people just ask where i'm from and don't give any indication of what they think, 0% of people recognize the 'redneck' in the voice, and therefore never realize "oh, texas. but with accent? o_O" idk. maybe i'm just weird :D
but on to the main focus. today i've been fairly good, actually. large apple for est 100-110 calories, but then a packet of ramen (UGH! this crap keeps popping up!!!) for 350 calories. so about 450-460 calories for today. luckily though, we're almost out of ramen. (: i'd throw it away, but my mother would kill me. so as there's two packages left, and my mother doesn't eat the stuff, i'll have one package per day for the next two days, and nothing else. that'll get rid of that temptation, and also keep me down in calories. (: i just hate the sodium content too! makes me look bloaty. ): no matter. the problem will be dealt with soon. (:
yesterday i bought two books. one is 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi, the other is 'biting anorexia' by lucy howard-taylor. i'm about 1/4 of the way though 'unbearable lightness'. i'm loving the story. i keep comparing it in my head to 'wasted' by marya hornbacher, and in a way, i almost prefer portia's story. where marya was more focused on the disorder itself and all the different facets that led to it, and all the different facets of the disorder, portia (so far, anyway) seems less apt to lay blame on people and things in her life, and seems to be speaking from a place of 'this happened, and somewhere in the middle, i developed an ed', where as marya seemed more 'this happened, this happened and /because of that/, i developed an ed'. i suppose they're just written from two different places in life and in recovery, and hell, by two different women. but anyway, if any of you have read it, i'm to the part where she's finished her first day shooting 'ally mcbeal' and is eating with her brother. my opinion of how she's approaching this may still change, i don't know yet. i'll know when i finish, so shut up, sparrow, and do it. :P but yes, i do enjoy the way she writes, in any case.
ramble ramble ramble OH and i'm already down nearly two pounds. woohoo! exercised last night, as well. (: taking the night off tonight for my workouts in the week ahead. (: but on to my reflections (:
day one: stats and ten facts about yourself:
age: 18
height: 5'3.5"
current weight: 148
ultimate goal weight: 109 (for now!)
ten facts:
-sparrow isn't my name (though i'm sure you already realized that) but it is what i named the ed voice in my head. because she's so light and fragileboned, like a bird, and a sparrow is the bird i love most. (:
-i am from texas, and i love this state to death and back
-my prettiest feature is either my eyes or my lips--i can't decide.
-my favorite season is either early summer, where the air smells like freedom and morning, or early fall, when the air smells like nostalgia and change
-my favorite time of day is twilight, when air is melancholy and you can almost feel the world holding its breath.
-i love my boyfriend with a passion to end all passions. (: and i'm glad he puts up with me, as well. :P
-i'm obsessed with salad. obsessed. i'm going to quote a comment i made earlier on here to show just how much i love salad: "i actually prefer my salads dry, though. i don't know why, i just enjoy the taste of the veggies and how they're crunchy and slightly juicy with their own flavor variation. o_o i love salads (in case you couldn't tell haha!)" i could go on, but i'll leave it at that. :P
-i love reading, nearly as much as i love writing. (:
-i have a facebook addiction. D: 98% of my time online, no matter what site i'm on, facebook is likely to be open in a separate tab. (:
-i have a strange accent. 70% of the time, people think i'm british, 25% of the time people think i'm australian, 2% of the time people think i'm russian, 3% of the time people just ask where i'm from and don't give any indication of what they think, 0% of people recognize the 'redneck' in the voice, and therefore never realize "oh, texas. but with accent? o_O" idk. maybe i'm just weird :D
another supershort post-
i'm sorry, my attention span is about 0 at this point in time. i'm doing good just remembering to breathe. :P but anyway, i created a facebook account for this side of my life, just so i would have a better place than my blog to post short observations, etc, so if anybody has an account and wants to friend me, they should feel free. i don't bite <3
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002952559120
name is sparrow ana.
hope to (facebook) meet you soon <3
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002952559120
name is sparrow ana.
hope to (facebook) meet you soon <3
Saturday, September 24, 2011
plans
exercise goes like this:
the links are to 'wedding dress workouts', but they're the ones i've liked since i was engaged. i still enjoy them, even though that engagement was broken off. (:
the 'run laps' refers to me running the perimeter of the house--refuse to run out on the road where people can see the flesh flapping :D
week one
monday
run 8 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
tuesday
walk two miles
wednesday
run 8 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
thursday
walk two miles
friday
run 8 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
saturday
walk 3.5 miles
sunday
rest
week two
monday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
tuesday
walk 3.5 miles
wednesday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
thursday
walk 3.5 miles
friday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
saturday
walk 3.5 miles
sunday
rest
week three
monday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)
tuesday
walk 3.5 miles
wednesday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)
thursday
walk 3.5 miles
friday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)
saturday
walk 3.5 miles
sunday
rest
food goes like this:
breakfast: one lrg apple, glass of milk (101 + probably 120)
lunch: green tea, med orange (0 + 80)
supper: salad-dry, oolong tea (not to go above 50 cal + 0)
total: 351
i'll be sticking to this one. (: no. matter. what. i /will/ be the skinniest i've ever been for p. i will.
strengthgracebeauty,
<3,
sparrow
Friday, September 23, 2011
beautiful
to begin, the greatest thanks to ahava אהבה , sophie, and cass for your comments on my last post. thank you all for caring, and your words really do mean so much to me. you're all beautiful—inside and out, and i truly mean that. thank you again—your comments really do mean the world to me, and thank you for your words of support. <3 lots of love sent y'all's way.
as for eating... i've been fairly good, i suppose. i haven't been keeping track of what i've been eating as i should be... i really need to. really badly. but today's been fairly good. had a packet of ramen – 350 cal—and that's all today. i fucking hate ramen. it's too delicious to be allowed, and way too high calorie to be sooooo darn good. but that's the only thing i've eaten so far today, and i plan on keeping it that way.
i need to get an exercise program pulled together. i used to be really good about exercising, but i've kind of fallen off the wagon in the past several months. just seems like i haven't had time, but that's going to change.... if you love me, please comment and tell me what kind of exercise program you do. (: i like getting ideas from other people. my mind is so boring when it comes to exercise haha. if you can, tell me stuff i could try that doesn't involve going to a gym—not only do i not have money for a membership, but i also hate gyms. i always seem to find the ones with lots of pretty, pretty girls and muscular guys, and that just makes me not want to drag my fat self up there. ): you'd think it'd be good thinspo, but nooo. just makes me more self-conscious and less likely to go. i'm weird like that.
today is also my first day to quit smoking. it's just gotten far too expensive for me, plus i'm quitting on p's request, also. (: he's good for me, y'all. really good for me. he makes me want to be the best me i can be, and he doesn't try to change what makes me /me/. he just inspires me to be beautiful and do great things. i love him so much <3 so i'm wearing the patch, and it itches like a bitch, but i don't seem to be having an allergic reaction. my mom says it's normal for it to itch a bit, so meh. i'll deal with it, if only for p's sake. (: i just don't see the attraction to cigs anymore, anyway. just. eh. ((:
i haven't weighed myself lately, and i really should, but i'm not going to step on the scales for another week, after i start my exercise program and logging what i eat. we'll just see how it goes. but i'm still determined that p will see me at my lowest weight. <3 i cannot /wait/ to see his face again. <3 absolutely cannot wait. <3
i guess i'm going to take some pictures tonight to begin a before/after slideshow. every 10-15 lbs, i'll take new pics, and i guess every 20 lbs or so, i'll do a before/after comparison. (: and after i hit my ugw, i'll put them all together. :D and then likely get into the process of setting a new ugw. (: that's just how i roll.
anyway, i've rambled on far too long. i love you all. stay gorgeous.
strengthgracebeauty <3
<3,
sparrow
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
strength & remembrance
my dad passed away on the 14th.
been sick to my stomach since. can't eat. i don't know why. i don't think it's hit me yet, really. thinking about his death still feels surreal--like it can't have happened. it's impossible, after all. he's my dad. he's always there. there's no fathomable reason he could /not/ be there. and yet he's not. when i have a question or observation and i turn to share it with him, his chair sits empty, and i feel an emptiness in my heart as well, and that's when i cry. rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks as i ask 'why? how?'. i have no answers for these questions. does anybody, really? and so my questions remain unanswered and i remain unfilled.
celebrated my 18th birthday on the 16th as well as i could. lit a candle in the yard, whispered an 'i miss you & i wish you were here' to my dad, blew out the candle. people observed it as best they could. there was no fanfare, no cake, nothing really. and i kind of liked it that way. being 18 seems intangible to me. it's a day i was dreaming of since i was 12--the day i could make my own decisions, the day i could be /free/. well, i'm 18. but i don't feel it. i buy my own cigarettes now, but that's it. just breathe in and out--it's just another year, i'm realizing. and the beginning of my first year without my dad.
the one bright spot in my days comes in the form of my best friend. p, the one i mentioned in my last post, i believe. as of this morning, he and i are a couple. that feels surreal as well. i'm endlessly happy over this turn of events, but as i haven't slept since tuesday night, i'm not sure if it has had time to sink in at all. like i said, i am ecstatic, but i'm sure this, at least, will seem more real after some rest.
i need to sleep more. i need to exercise more. i need to be more for my mom. i need to eat less. more, more, more, less. odd balance, i think, but it could work.
i have no idea when i will see p. within the next couple of months. last time he saw me i was 20lbs lighter. i will be 30lbs lighter than my current weight when he sees me next. i am determined. i believe in my heart i can do this. i believe. i believe. ibelieve.ibelieve ibelieveibelieveibelieve. maybe if i say that enough, i truly will.
it's worth a shot, anyhow.
strength, grace, beauty
(comes from above)(comes from you)(comes with emptiness)
<3,
sparrow
been sick to my stomach since. can't eat. i don't know why. i don't think it's hit me yet, really. thinking about his death still feels surreal--like it can't have happened. it's impossible, after all. he's my dad. he's always there. there's no fathomable reason he could /not/ be there. and yet he's not. when i have a question or observation and i turn to share it with him, his chair sits empty, and i feel an emptiness in my heart as well, and that's when i cry. rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks as i ask 'why? how?'. i have no answers for these questions. does anybody, really? and so my questions remain unanswered and i remain unfilled.
celebrated my 18th birthday on the 16th as well as i could. lit a candle in the yard, whispered an 'i miss you & i wish you were here' to my dad, blew out the candle. people observed it as best they could. there was no fanfare, no cake, nothing really. and i kind of liked it that way. being 18 seems intangible to me. it's a day i was dreaming of since i was 12--the day i could make my own decisions, the day i could be /free/. well, i'm 18. but i don't feel it. i buy my own cigarettes now, but that's it. just breathe in and out--it's just another year, i'm realizing. and the beginning of my first year without my dad.
the one bright spot in my days comes in the form of my best friend. p, the one i mentioned in my last post, i believe. as of this morning, he and i are a couple. that feels surreal as well. i'm endlessly happy over this turn of events, but as i haven't slept since tuesday night, i'm not sure if it has had time to sink in at all. like i said, i am ecstatic, but i'm sure this, at least, will seem more real after some rest.
i need to sleep more. i need to exercise more. i need to be more for my mom. i need to eat less. more, more, more, less. odd balance, i think, but it could work.
i have no idea when i will see p. within the next couple of months. last time he saw me i was 20lbs lighter. i will be 30lbs lighter than my current weight when he sees me next. i am determined. i believe in my heart i can do this. i believe. i believe. ibelieve.ibelieve ibelieveibelieveibelieve. maybe if i say that enough, i truly will.
it's worth a shot, anyhow.
strength, grace, beauty
(comes from above)(comes from you)(comes with emptiness)
<3,
sparrow
Saturday, September 10, 2011
finding the time
since starting college my life has become quite one-sided. on the days i don't have school, i spend most of the day studying, and the time that isn't spent studying is spent planning out my next study session, or thinking i'm lazy and will fail because i don't have a book in my hand at that very moment.
needless to say, this is a very stressful way to live. and so i've started more carefully plotting out my study times--though things will get easier once i get the research paper i'm writing for my history class turned in. it is due october 19, and i have to first get through two different books on my subject (susan b. anthony), and then write the paper and get the sources straight. argh. i seriously hate research papers. i also have a /major/ project coming up in my psych class, but it's going to be fairly easy. i have to propose a hypothesis and design an experiment around it... it'll be easy, because i don't have to actually carry out the experiment, just make a design for an experiment. once i have my hypothesis designed, i'll be golden.
i have two hypotheses i'm trying to decide between. the first is something along the lines of 'students who study throughout the week before an exam make better grades on the exam than students who cram at the last minute,' the second is 'students who get eight hours of sleep the night before a major test will make better grades on the test than students who slept little or not at all.' i'll probably wind up going with the second, but i need to have a meeting with my professor to get his input. luckily, the project is not due until the end of november, so i have time, but i'd rather get it done and out of the way, as it is mandatory to get a grade in the class. no turn in = grade of 'incomplete'. argh, stress.
anyway, as i was saying before, this one-sided piece of me is nothing new--when i have something to focus on (i.e. school; diet; exercise; and for a time, wedding planning) everything else tends to take a backseat. i have a very all-or-nothing personality haha. but since life itself is not all-or-nothing, i need to balance myself out. and so, starting tomorrow, i have regularly scheduled exercise planned into my week. i really need to get out more, but it seems my local friends and i are at two different places in our goal-plotting right now, and our schedules don't mesh. ah, well. i don't really mind, actually. i've become a bit of a loner in recent weeks, so i'm suited fine right now.
about diet: need to get one together. exercise will be a step in the right direction for me, but time is constantly ticking down for my upcoming trip to california (i think i mentioned that in my last blog entry, please correct me if i'm wrong!), but anyway. i haven't been eating much lately, mostly because there's not a lot of food in the house, due to my mom being tight on cash from trying to get me to school--she had to pay out more than she usually would, due to some paperwork fuck-up for my financial aid. but anyway, it's good that i haven't been able to eat a lot.
i've rambled on long enough, though, and i really need to hit the shower and get to bed--gasp, i'll actually be getting to sleep at a decent time tonight!! raging insomnia lately, it sucks BALLS. so hopefully i'll actually sleep instead of counting sheep. hooray.
strength, grace, beauty--you're all beautiful, so stay strong and come through with grace <3
<3,
sparrow
needless to say, this is a very stressful way to live. and so i've started more carefully plotting out my study times--though things will get easier once i get the research paper i'm writing for my history class turned in. it is due october 19, and i have to first get through two different books on my subject (susan b. anthony), and then write the paper and get the sources straight. argh. i seriously hate research papers. i also have a /major/ project coming up in my psych class, but it's going to be fairly easy. i have to propose a hypothesis and design an experiment around it... it'll be easy, because i don't have to actually carry out the experiment, just make a design for an experiment. once i have my hypothesis designed, i'll be golden.
i have two hypotheses i'm trying to decide between. the first is something along the lines of 'students who study throughout the week before an exam make better grades on the exam than students who cram at the last minute,' the second is 'students who get eight hours of sleep the night before a major test will make better grades on the test than students who slept little or not at all.' i'll probably wind up going with the second, but i need to have a meeting with my professor to get his input. luckily, the project is not due until the end of november, so i have time, but i'd rather get it done and out of the way, as it is mandatory to get a grade in the class. no turn in = grade of 'incomplete'. argh, stress.
anyway, as i was saying before, this one-sided piece of me is nothing new--when i have something to focus on (i.e. school; diet; exercise; and for a time, wedding planning) everything else tends to take a backseat. i have a very all-or-nothing personality haha. but since life itself is not all-or-nothing, i need to balance myself out. and so, starting tomorrow, i have regularly scheduled exercise planned into my week. i really need to get out more, but it seems my local friends and i are at two different places in our goal-plotting right now, and our schedules don't mesh. ah, well. i don't really mind, actually. i've become a bit of a loner in recent weeks, so i'm suited fine right now.
about diet: need to get one together. exercise will be a step in the right direction for me, but time is constantly ticking down for my upcoming trip to california (i think i mentioned that in my last blog entry, please correct me if i'm wrong!), but anyway. i haven't been eating much lately, mostly because there's not a lot of food in the house, due to my mom being tight on cash from trying to get me to school--she had to pay out more than she usually would, due to some paperwork fuck-up for my financial aid. but anyway, it's good that i haven't been able to eat a lot.
i've rambled on long enough, though, and i really need to hit the shower and get to bed--gasp, i'll actually be getting to sleep at a decent time tonight!! raging insomnia lately, it sucks BALLS. so hopefully i'll actually sleep instead of counting sheep. hooray.
strength, grace, beauty--you're all beautiful, so stay strong and come through with grace <3
<3,
sparrow
Thursday, September 8, 2011
college
well, college is going well. i'm really having fun, and i'm really excelling in my classes. it's going a lot better than i thought, as i've always thought of myself as fairly non-academic, but now i'm seeing that i'm actually smarter than i look. ;] i feel like i'm not only proving it to myself, but also to everybody else around me.
but that's not the only bright spot in my life lately. i have plans to go to california over winter break. my best friend (who i have the biggest crush on~ !) lives there, and i'm planning on finishing my associates' degree there next fall.
but anyway, this guy (we'll call him p, for now) has been my best friend since i was 12 years old. last year, we actually dated for a while, but the distance got to me, so i ducked out... but i never lost feelings for him. we actually discussed it a few days ago, and he feels the same for me! so i'm excited to see him, and excited to see what this could mean for us. (:
only problem? weight. looks. etc. i mean, he knows what i look like and everything, but i want to lose all the weight and be gorgeous for this meeting. i'm planning on leaving december 20th, so hopefully-hopefully-hopefully-fingers-crossed-and-god-give-me-strength, i will have already reached my ugw--109 lbs. i'm praying, anyway. ): and i think i can do it. i hope. argh. i need to quit overthinking and just DO IT.
also, can everybody pray for me? i'm right in the middle of the texas wildfires that are going on right now... and it's really scary. so whether y'all pray or just send good thoughts my way, i'd appreciate it so much. (:
strength and beauty,
<3, sparrow
but that's not the only bright spot in my life lately. i have plans to go to california over winter break. my best friend (who i have the biggest crush on~ !) lives there, and i'm planning on finishing my associates' degree there next fall.
but anyway, this guy (we'll call him p, for now) has been my best friend since i was 12 years old. last year, we actually dated for a while, but the distance got to me, so i ducked out... but i never lost feelings for him. we actually discussed it a few days ago, and he feels the same for me! so i'm excited to see him, and excited to see what this could mean for us. (:
only problem? weight. looks. etc. i mean, he knows what i look like and everything, but i want to lose all the weight and be gorgeous for this meeting. i'm planning on leaving december 20th, so hopefully-hopefully-hopefully-fingers-crossed-and-god-give-me-strength, i will have already reached my ugw--109 lbs. i'm praying, anyway. ): and i think i can do it. i hope. argh. i need to quit overthinking and just DO IT.
also, can everybody pray for me? i'm right in the middle of the texas wildfires that are going on right now... and it's really scary. so whether y'all pray or just send good thoughts my way, i'd appreciate it so much. (:
strength and beauty,
<3, sparrow
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
a letter
hello, love.
you've been away for quite some time. i was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten me. i never forgot you, you know. i've just been waiting for you to come to your senses and realize you can't live without me.
see? this is what you have been missing. this is what you have been denying yourself. no, now, don't give me that look. you know it's true. you can never achieve this without my help. you will never look like this without my guidance.
i'm sorry, darling, but you know i'm going to have to punish you for running away for so long. it's not going to be pleasant—i can promise you that. but won't it be worth it in the end? to prove yourself to me again? i can't help you if you won't accept whatever i tell you to do. in the end, don't you always discover that i know best?
you keep saying that you don't need me, that you don't have to prove yourself to me. but what about the rest of them? wouldn't it be nice to prove yourself to them for once? academically, you're shining like a star, and yes, i am very proud of you. but, darling, think how far you could go if you possessed not only brains, but beauty to match?
oh, you could outshine the sun. i know you could. you just have to listen to me. i'll just have to break you of that nasty habit of not listening to me and thinking you know better. love, you always come back to me. shouldn't that tell you something? that i was right all along?
'such a pretty face,' they tell you. but wouldn't it be prettier with cheekbones defined, jawline sharp enough to cut glass? with your pretty little ribcage peeking shyly through your skin, heart fluttering like a caged bird within? your fingers will be slender and delicate, and your legs will be the envy of everyone you see. don't you understand? i am the key to that paradise.
i can see the longing in your eyes. you want it, don't you? you want it all so bad you can practically taste it. well here it is. i'm holding it in the palm of my hand, and my fingertips are outstretched towards you. all you have to do is grasp my hand, squeeze it tight and follow me. i will show you the way. it's closer than you think, sparrow.
just take my hand
and
f o l l o w
fast today & tomorrow.
new plan coming soon
stay strong or this cruel world will knock you down.
<3,
sparrow
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