Monday, October 31, 2011

well, it's me again. i apologize for being such a lazy blogger, but most of the time i'm out away from the computer. i'm going to see if i can start posting to here from my phone internet, though, so hopefully my updates will become more regular.

anyway, i've held pretty well steady at 142 lbs, taking new pics tomorrow, even though i haven't made any progress. i figured i might as well, haha.
oh! check out the pic of my new tattoo! (: got it started i think like two weeks ago, maybe, finally got it finished a few days ago... me and b got matching ones. (: they're on our hips, hers on the left, mine on the right haha. they're pretty cute. (:

photo was taken right after it was finished, so it's kind of messy haha. i'll take better photos of it after it's healed up and stops peeling and flaking!

anyway, there's been a lot of drama the past couple of days..... the biggest thing was, b found out that i'd slept with her ex-boyfriend (who will be called jm), which pissed her off majorly.... it's a long, complicated story between the two of them, but anyway, she was majorly pissed at me, but we talked and got it all sorted out... i'm kind of sad, though, because jm is freaking HOT. i think he's pretty amazing (as a person, friend, and in bed!), and i think that (if he had any interest in me besides as a friend/fuck buddy) he and i would make an AMAZING couple. unfortunately, we'll never know if that could happen, because one, i love b too much to do that to her, and two, because i don't think he has the same type of interest in me. but it's kind of whatever at this point, because i don't think i could be in a relationship right now.

oh, and speaking of relationships, j and i broke up. i'm kind of sad about that, but kind of happy too. while i love having a boyfriend, sometimes i just want to be a single girl, and flirt with whoever i want without feeling guilty. i've turned into a major flirt too, haha! i just feel very free in my own skin lately, and i love it.

anyway, i had a moment today. i walked into the house after spending another five days at b's apartment, pretty well high the whole time (wow, how come all my benders last five days? who knows!), and my mom takes one look at me and says "you look rode hard and put up wet". i kind of did a double-take at her, walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. my eyes have dark circles under them, my eyelids are heavy, my lips are chapped, and i had makeup smeared across my face. my shoulders were drooping slightly and i did look a hot mess. so i decided i'm going to stay home, away from the partying for a few nights, catch up on some sleep, and try to pretty myself up again.

it's odd though, because i've been looking at myself in a different light lately. most of the time i actually think i look hot (face-wise, anyway). even when i took that look in the mirror this morning, i looked like a mess, but somehow at the same time, there was a little something beneath it that kept me looking a little sexy. it's weird. i still hate most of my body, but from the chest up, i'm kind of hot. my collarbones are starting to pop again, my chin and cheekbones are getting a little more defined and i'm just looking good.... i'd be the happiest girl on the planet if i just had a flat stomach and less tits & ass. i don't really know what i'm trying to say--my thoughts confuse me sometimes. i think the point is, i'm gaining a little more self-confidence and self-esteem, even though i'm not happy with the way my body looks, i can still appreciate the few good things about it. it's just weird to me, because i've never had anything i've liked about my looks.

...i'm sorry haha. i've been kind of rambling on for this whole entry. i think i need some sleep, so i'm going to end here. (:

<3,
sparrow

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