my dad passed away on the 14th.
been sick to my stomach since. can't eat. i don't know why. i don't think it's hit me yet, really. thinking about his death still feels surreal--like it can't have happened. it's impossible, after all. he's my dad. he's always there. there's no fathomable reason he could /not/ be there. and yet he's not. when i have a question or observation and i turn to share it with him, his chair sits empty, and i feel an emptiness in my heart as well, and that's when i cry. rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks as i ask 'why? how?'. i have no answers for these questions. does anybody, really? and so my questions remain unanswered and i remain unfilled.
celebrated my 18th birthday on the 16th as well as i could. lit a candle in the yard, whispered an 'i miss you & i wish you were here' to my dad, blew out the candle. people observed it as best they could. there was no fanfare, no cake, nothing really. and i kind of liked it that way. being 18 seems intangible to me. it's a day i was dreaming of since i was 12--the day i could make my own decisions, the day i could be /free/. well, i'm 18. but i don't feel it. i buy my own cigarettes now, but that's it. just breathe in and out--it's just another year, i'm realizing. and the beginning of my first year without my dad.
the one bright spot in my days comes in the form of my best friend. p, the one i mentioned in my last post, i believe. as of this morning, he and i are a couple. that feels surreal as well. i'm endlessly happy over this turn of events, but as i haven't slept since tuesday night, i'm not sure if it has had time to sink in at all. like i said, i am ecstatic, but i'm sure this, at least, will seem more real after some rest.
i need to sleep more. i need to exercise more. i need to be more for my mom. i need to eat less. more, more, more, less. odd balance, i think, but it could work.
i have no idea when i will see p. within the next couple of months. last time he saw me i was 20lbs lighter. i will be 30lbs lighter than my current weight when he sees me next. i am determined. i believe in my heart i can do this. i believe. i believe. ibelieve.ibelieve ibelieveibelieveibelieve. maybe if i say that enough, i truly will.
it's worth a shot, anyhow.
strength, grace, beauty
(comes from above)(comes from you)(comes with emptiness)
<3,
sparrow
this literally made me cry. I know theres nothing i could say or do to make you feel in te least better. I have never lost a parent, only grandparents, so there no way i can comprehend what youre experiencing. The only thing i can say is: Im SO sorry and i hope you will be able to have peace about this whole mess. I wish you the best of luck, you deserve it. (:
ReplyDeleteLife is just shit sometimes. it really makes you remember to live each moment like your last, and appreciate the people around you before theyre gone.
Oh darling <3 Im so sorry to hear about your dad :( I can't even imagine how hard this must be on you. Its great you have p in your life and your getting closer so stay focused and take life one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteJust browsing blogs as I do and came across you. This post made me really sad especially the birthday part. I know how you feel, I waited so long to be 21 then..is this it?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you will be 30lbs lighter next time you see him. I don't know how you can go so long! x