air

i have not stepped on a scale in about three months.
how crazy is that?
i'm deathly afraid of what it will say. and when i say deathly,
i mean literally deathly afraid of the scale.

i hid my scale under my bed.
i couldn't even look at it anymore.
this was two months ago,
after it sat in my bathroom silently mocking me for one month.
thirty days.
seven hundred twenty hours.
forty three thousand two hundred minutes.
two million five hundred ninety-two thousand seconds.


i want to take it out. i want to weigh myself.
but i am afraid.
i know that if i weigh more than i want, i can simply exercise, diet, etc.
after all, a battle lost doesn't mean i can't win the war, does it?
but i'm still afraid.

so i set a date for myself--july 1.
i have to weigh myself.
i need to know.


my zumba dvds arrived. i tried the beginner dvd today. holy crap. it is harder than it looks. or i have no rhythm whatsoever. one or the other. tomorrow my six-month plan tells me to walk for 20 mins. lovely.
day after tomorrow, zumba again. this time, instead of halfassedly attempting to follow the dvd, i will watch how to do it, pause, do it until i get it right, continue.
july 1 goal weight--135. that's my 'usual' weight. and one i will not go above again.

xoxo, bre