high

i have been high for a solid week.

this is the first time i have been almost sober since. and the only thing i want is to float away again, simply so i don't have to think of things i don't want to think of. being sober feels odd to me now. i'm not sure i like it.

i have hardly eaten in a week. when i'm high, the only thing on my mind is dancing and sleeping. never eating. i hate eating when i'm high. hate it. and so, i have reached my first goal weight. fully dressed, i weigh in at 143 lbs. i need to take new progress photos. my stomach feels less huge, and my shorts are fitting looser.

j and i are currently an 'item'. i was high and drunk when he finally asked me to be his again, and i said yes. we slept together yesterday, while we were both still mostly high, and it was pretty good, i guess, but i keep wishing it was p.... i know i'm using j as a crutch to get over p, but i'm not sure i care... i know j, and i know he doesn't have any real feeling for me, except as a friend, and that our 'relationship' is mostly a friends-with-benefits sort of thing, just as our last go at a relationship was. we're sort of using each other, just without saying as much. just sort of a mutual understanding that suits us both fine.

anyhow, i'm off to take new progress pics and to scrounge around the house for anything to give me a bit of my high back. i hate being sober. i know i'm soon to be addicted to being high, but i don't care. it's easier than dealing with all the bullshit of normal life. i'll come down--someday.