ah, emptiness,
how i've missed you so.
promise me you'll stay a while
and finally make me b e a u t i f u l~
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
beautiful
this morning is off to an excellent start.... so far, one cigarette and one cup of coffee + diet pill and multivitamin for breakfast. hopefully tomorrow i'm going to be able to go grocery shopping. i'm planning on loading up on fruits and veggies (grapefruits, strawberries, pineapple, grapes, salad mix, baby carrots), low-calorie/sodium soups and bottled water. my plan is to stick at 500 calories or under, and with all the fruits and veggies, that will be super-easy to do. i'm planning on having fruits/veggies during the day and then one soup for supper. (:
hopefully this time i can pull myself from my bad habits and finally emerge victorious. (:
hopefully this time i can pull myself from my bad habits and finally emerge victorious. (:
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
fast
i cannot focus anymore.
it's time to kickstart this shit.
i will fast tomorrow and the next day. and i will exercise. i'm in the process of making spreadsheets, and i'm going to fight this out. i will come out victorious this time.
it's time to kickstart this shit.
i will fast tomorrow and the next day. and i will exercise. i'm in the process of making spreadsheets, and i'm going to fight this out. i will come out victorious this time.
Friday, April 29, 2011
survey
stolen from justlikewho <3
Age: 17
Height: 5’3.5”
Weight: 135
Dress Size: idk
Highest Weight: 173 lbs.
Lowest Weight (at height): 125 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbs
Favorite Diet Food: fruit (esp. apples and grapefruit), salads,
Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, mexican food, chips, sweets
Favorite Exercise: walking with my dog, dumbbells, using leg weights,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
Where Do You Slip Up: when i stop thinking about it so much. or when i have a 'good' day where i feel good about myself. and once i do slip up, it starts a snowball effect. so if i slip up once, i will more than likely continue down that path until i somehow manage to shake myself out of it.
When Did It Start?
Hating your body: since i was 13.
Restricting/counting: about two years.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: too many at the moment. i would love to stay below 500 a day--that's when i seem to have the best success.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: squishy all over. too much boob, too much ass, too much thigh.
Are You In A Relationship: yes
Are You Depressed: not as much as i used to be.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes. when i was 13.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: no
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast
PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (i wish)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[x] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion
I’VE DONE -
[] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself
Age: 17
Height: 5’3.5”
Weight: 135
Dress Size: idk
Highest Weight: 173 lbs.
Lowest Weight (at height): 125 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbs
Favorite Diet Food: fruit (esp. apples and grapefruit), salads,
Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, mexican food, chips, sweets
Favorite Exercise: walking with my dog, dumbbells, using leg weights,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
Where Do You Slip Up: when i stop thinking about it so much. or when i have a 'good' day where i feel good about myself. and once i do slip up, it starts a snowball effect. so if i slip up once, i will more than likely continue down that path until i somehow manage to shake myself out of it.
When Did It Start?
Hating your body: since i was 13.
Restricting/counting: about two years.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: too many at the moment. i would love to stay below 500 a day--that's when i seem to have the best success.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: squishy all over. too much boob, too much ass, too much thigh.
Are You In A Relationship: yes
Are You Depressed: not as much as i used to be.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes. when i was 13.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: no
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast
PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (i wish)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[x] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion
I’VE DONE -
[] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself
Sunday, March 27, 2011
period
stupid period. always makes me gain.
strange thing is, though i've been eating, i have no appetite. my stomach growls and i get shaky, but when i put food in my mouth, i don't even want to chew. and the thought of eating makes me vaguely nauseous.
i believe it's due to the diet pills i've been taking--possibly. i don't really know. whatever it is, i will use it to my advantage.
strange thing is, though i've been eating, i have no appetite. my stomach growls and i get shaky, but when i put food in my mouth, i don't even want to chew. and the thought of eating makes me vaguely nauseous.
i believe it's due to the diet pills i've been taking--possibly. i don't really know. whatever it is, i will use it to my advantage.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
fighter
"you look like you're gaining"
"really? i weigh the same"
"well you're getting a gut"
"gee thanks mom"
and so i'm fighting back. harder than ever before.
"really? i weigh the same"
"well you're getting a gut"
"gee thanks mom"
and so i'm fighting back. harder than ever before.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
light
i breathe in
breathe out
and realize that i am not perfect
that i make mistakes
and even though i've messed up, i can instantly give myself a second chance. i know from experience that if you focus on your mistakes and the times you've messed up, you automatically ruin your second chances. if you're focused on your mistakes, then you feel as if you can't take another chance. and i'm not going to mess myself up this time.
so breathe in
breathe out
and know that this time
you will be lighter than
a . i . r
breathe out
and realize that i am not perfect
that i make mistakes
and even though i've messed up, i can instantly give myself a second chance. i know from experience that if you focus on your mistakes and the times you've messed up, you automatically ruin your second chances. if you're focused on your mistakes, then you feel as if you can't take another chance. and i'm not going to mess myself up this time.
so breathe in
breathe out
and know that this time
you will be lighter than
a . i . r
Friday, February 25, 2011
storm
this weekend will be amazing.
i will not eat.
i will drink myself silly.
and maybe i will simply forget myself for a while.
i'm currently caught in the eye of a storm. one half of my life is beautiful and amazing, and working out exactly the way i have always hoped it would. the other half is falling apart piece by piece, while i struggle to find some peace.
my dad is dying.
my heart is breaking because i cannot do anything to save him.
all i can do is pray with all my strength that there's a cure, whether it be found in medicine and doctors, or simply found through blind faith in whatever god will listen to my pleas.
i'm hoping against everything i've been told, everything logic and science tells me that he will make a full recovery and live for eighty more years. live to be a part of the rest of my life, my children's life, my children's children's life. grow old with my mother. nobody is ready for this.
forty-eight is too young to be a widow.
seventeen is too young to lose your father.
and fifty-one is simply too. damn. young. to. die.
i will not eat.
i will drink myself silly.
and maybe i will simply forget myself for a while.
i'm currently caught in the eye of a storm. one half of my life is beautiful and amazing, and working out exactly the way i have always hoped it would. the other half is falling apart piece by piece, while i struggle to find some peace.
my dad is dying.
my heart is breaking because i cannot do anything to save him.
all i can do is pray with all my strength that there's a cure, whether it be found in medicine and doctors, or simply found through blind faith in whatever god will listen to my pleas.
i'm hoping against everything i've been told, everything logic and science tells me that he will make a full recovery and live for eighty more years. live to be a part of the rest of my life, my children's life, my children's children's life. grow old with my mother. nobody is ready for this.
forty-eight is too young to be a widow.
seventeen is too young to lose your father.
and fifty-one is simply too. damn. young. to. die.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
introduction
i'm nothing special. believe me, i already know this for a fact.
i've had my share of failures, but i've also had just a touch of success. it is this success that keeps me going, even when i wonder what the use is anymore.
i'm just an average girl who lives in a tiny town, who is nothing special, even in this small pond.
i do not stand out from a crowd. if you saw me, you would not do a double-take. you would just pass me by and i would not even register on your radar.
i am drowning in my insecurities and my averageness. this is my attempt to break free of the prison of my mind. it is mind over matter in this endeavor. i'm not backing down. this is my journey, this is my time to shine.
i'm just a girl.
this is just my story.
i've had my share of failures, but i've also had just a touch of success. it is this success that keeps me going, even when i wonder what the use is anymore.
i'm just an average girl who lives in a tiny town, who is nothing special, even in this small pond.
i do not stand out from a crowd. if you saw me, you would not do a double-take. you would just pass me by and i would not even register on your radar.
i am drowning in my insecurities and my averageness. this is my attempt to break free of the prison of my mind. it is mind over matter in this endeavor. i'm not backing down. this is my journey, this is my time to shine.
i'm just a girl.
this is just my story.
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