i'm sorry, my attention span is about 0 at this point in time. i'm doing good just remembering to breathe. :P but anyway, i created a facebook account for this side of my life, just so i would have a better place than my blog to post short observations, etc, so if anybody has an account and wants to friend me, they should feel free. i don't bite <3
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002952559120
name is sparrow ana.
hope to (facebook) meet you soon <3
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, September 24, 2011
plans
exercise goes like this:
the links are to 'wedding dress workouts', but they're the ones i've liked since i was engaged. i still enjoy them, even though that engagement was broken off. (:
the 'run laps' refers to me running the perimeter of the house--refuse to run out on the road where people can see the flesh flapping :D
week one
monday
run 8 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
tuesday
walk two miles
wednesday
run 8 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
thursday
walk two miles
friday
run 8 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
saturday
walk 3.5 miles
sunday
rest
week two
monday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
tuesday
walk 3.5 miles
wednesday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
thursday
walk 3.5 miles
friday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, once in between each lap, once to cool down)
saturday
walk 3.5 miles
sunday
rest
week three
monday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)
tuesday
walk 3.5 miles
wednesday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)
thursday
walk 3.5 miles
friday
run 10 laps each way
(walk once to warm up, 2 run laps, change direction, one walking lap, repeat, once to cool down)
saturday
walk 3.5 miles
sunday
rest
food goes like this:
breakfast: one lrg apple, glass of milk (101 + probably 120)
lunch: green tea, med orange (0 + 80)
supper: salad-dry, oolong tea (not to go above 50 cal + 0)
total: 351
i'll be sticking to this one. (: no. matter. what. i /will/ be the skinniest i've ever been for p. i will.
strengthgracebeauty,
<3,
sparrow
Friday, September 23, 2011
beautiful
to begin, the greatest thanks to ahava אהבה , sophie, and cass for your comments on my last post. thank you all for caring, and your words really do mean so much to me. you're all beautiful—inside and out, and i truly mean that. thank you again—your comments really do mean the world to me, and thank you for your words of support. <3 lots of love sent y'all's way.
as for eating... i've been fairly good, i suppose. i haven't been keeping track of what i've been eating as i should be... i really need to. really badly. but today's been fairly good. had a packet of ramen – 350 cal—and that's all today. i fucking hate ramen. it's too delicious to be allowed, and way too high calorie to be sooooo darn good. but that's the only thing i've eaten so far today, and i plan on keeping it that way.
i need to get an exercise program pulled together. i used to be really good about exercising, but i've kind of fallen off the wagon in the past several months. just seems like i haven't had time, but that's going to change.... if you love me, please comment and tell me what kind of exercise program you do. (: i like getting ideas from other people. my mind is so boring when it comes to exercise haha. if you can, tell me stuff i could try that doesn't involve going to a gym—not only do i not have money for a membership, but i also hate gyms. i always seem to find the ones with lots of pretty, pretty girls and muscular guys, and that just makes me not want to drag my fat self up there. ): you'd think it'd be good thinspo, but nooo. just makes me more self-conscious and less likely to go. i'm weird like that.
today is also my first day to quit smoking. it's just gotten far too expensive for me, plus i'm quitting on p's request, also. (: he's good for me, y'all. really good for me. he makes me want to be the best me i can be, and he doesn't try to change what makes me /me/. he just inspires me to be beautiful and do great things. i love him so much <3 so i'm wearing the patch, and it itches like a bitch, but i don't seem to be having an allergic reaction. my mom says it's normal for it to itch a bit, so meh. i'll deal with it, if only for p's sake. (: i just don't see the attraction to cigs anymore, anyway. just. eh. ((:
i haven't weighed myself lately, and i really should, but i'm not going to step on the scales for another week, after i start my exercise program and logging what i eat. we'll just see how it goes. but i'm still determined that p will see me at my lowest weight. <3 i cannot /wait/ to see his face again. <3 absolutely cannot wait. <3
i guess i'm going to take some pictures tonight to begin a before/after slideshow. every 10-15 lbs, i'll take new pics, and i guess every 20 lbs or so, i'll do a before/after comparison. (: and after i hit my ugw, i'll put them all together. :D and then likely get into the process of setting a new ugw. (: that's just how i roll.
anyway, i've rambled on far too long. i love you all. stay gorgeous.
strengthgracebeauty <3
<3,
sparrow
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
strength & remembrance
my dad passed away on the 14th.
been sick to my stomach since. can't eat. i don't know why. i don't think it's hit me yet, really. thinking about his death still feels surreal--like it can't have happened. it's impossible, after all. he's my dad. he's always there. there's no fathomable reason he could /not/ be there. and yet he's not. when i have a question or observation and i turn to share it with him, his chair sits empty, and i feel an emptiness in my heart as well, and that's when i cry. rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks as i ask 'why? how?'. i have no answers for these questions. does anybody, really? and so my questions remain unanswered and i remain unfilled.
celebrated my 18th birthday on the 16th as well as i could. lit a candle in the yard, whispered an 'i miss you & i wish you were here' to my dad, blew out the candle. people observed it as best they could. there was no fanfare, no cake, nothing really. and i kind of liked it that way. being 18 seems intangible to me. it's a day i was dreaming of since i was 12--the day i could make my own decisions, the day i could be /free/. well, i'm 18. but i don't feel it. i buy my own cigarettes now, but that's it. just breathe in and out--it's just another year, i'm realizing. and the beginning of my first year without my dad.
the one bright spot in my days comes in the form of my best friend. p, the one i mentioned in my last post, i believe. as of this morning, he and i are a couple. that feels surreal as well. i'm endlessly happy over this turn of events, but as i haven't slept since tuesday night, i'm not sure if it has had time to sink in at all. like i said, i am ecstatic, but i'm sure this, at least, will seem more real after some rest.
i need to sleep more. i need to exercise more. i need to be more for my mom. i need to eat less. more, more, more, less. odd balance, i think, but it could work.
i have no idea when i will see p. within the next couple of months. last time he saw me i was 20lbs lighter. i will be 30lbs lighter than my current weight when he sees me next. i am determined. i believe in my heart i can do this. i believe. i believe. ibelieve.ibelieve ibelieveibelieveibelieve. maybe if i say that enough, i truly will.
it's worth a shot, anyhow.
strength, grace, beauty
(comes from above)(comes from you)(comes with emptiness)
<3,
sparrow
been sick to my stomach since. can't eat. i don't know why. i don't think it's hit me yet, really. thinking about his death still feels surreal--like it can't have happened. it's impossible, after all. he's my dad. he's always there. there's no fathomable reason he could /not/ be there. and yet he's not. when i have a question or observation and i turn to share it with him, his chair sits empty, and i feel an emptiness in my heart as well, and that's when i cry. rivulets of tears stream down my cheeks as i ask 'why? how?'. i have no answers for these questions. does anybody, really? and so my questions remain unanswered and i remain unfilled.
celebrated my 18th birthday on the 16th as well as i could. lit a candle in the yard, whispered an 'i miss you & i wish you were here' to my dad, blew out the candle. people observed it as best they could. there was no fanfare, no cake, nothing really. and i kind of liked it that way. being 18 seems intangible to me. it's a day i was dreaming of since i was 12--the day i could make my own decisions, the day i could be /free/. well, i'm 18. but i don't feel it. i buy my own cigarettes now, but that's it. just breathe in and out--it's just another year, i'm realizing. and the beginning of my first year without my dad.
the one bright spot in my days comes in the form of my best friend. p, the one i mentioned in my last post, i believe. as of this morning, he and i are a couple. that feels surreal as well. i'm endlessly happy over this turn of events, but as i haven't slept since tuesday night, i'm not sure if it has had time to sink in at all. like i said, i am ecstatic, but i'm sure this, at least, will seem more real after some rest.
i need to sleep more. i need to exercise more. i need to be more for my mom. i need to eat less. more, more, more, less. odd balance, i think, but it could work.
i have no idea when i will see p. within the next couple of months. last time he saw me i was 20lbs lighter. i will be 30lbs lighter than my current weight when he sees me next. i am determined. i believe in my heart i can do this. i believe. i believe. ibelieve.ibelieve ibelieveibelieveibelieve. maybe if i say that enough, i truly will.
it's worth a shot, anyhow.
strength, grace, beauty
(comes from above)(comes from you)(comes with emptiness)
<3,
sparrow
Saturday, September 10, 2011
finding the time
since starting college my life has become quite one-sided. on the days i don't have school, i spend most of the day studying, and the time that isn't spent studying is spent planning out my next study session, or thinking i'm lazy and will fail because i don't have a book in my hand at that very moment.
needless to say, this is a very stressful way to live. and so i've started more carefully plotting out my study times--though things will get easier once i get the research paper i'm writing for my history class turned in. it is due october 19, and i have to first get through two different books on my subject (susan b. anthony), and then write the paper and get the sources straight. argh. i seriously hate research papers. i also have a /major/ project coming up in my psych class, but it's going to be fairly easy. i have to propose a hypothesis and design an experiment around it... it'll be easy, because i don't have to actually carry out the experiment, just make a design for an experiment. once i have my hypothesis designed, i'll be golden.
i have two hypotheses i'm trying to decide between. the first is something along the lines of 'students who study throughout the week before an exam make better grades on the exam than students who cram at the last minute,' the second is 'students who get eight hours of sleep the night before a major test will make better grades on the test than students who slept little or not at all.' i'll probably wind up going with the second, but i need to have a meeting with my professor to get his input. luckily, the project is not due until the end of november, so i have time, but i'd rather get it done and out of the way, as it is mandatory to get a grade in the class. no turn in = grade of 'incomplete'. argh, stress.
anyway, as i was saying before, this one-sided piece of me is nothing new--when i have something to focus on (i.e. school; diet; exercise; and for a time, wedding planning) everything else tends to take a backseat. i have a very all-or-nothing personality haha. but since life itself is not all-or-nothing, i need to balance myself out. and so, starting tomorrow, i have regularly scheduled exercise planned into my week. i really need to get out more, but it seems my local friends and i are at two different places in our goal-plotting right now, and our schedules don't mesh. ah, well. i don't really mind, actually. i've become a bit of a loner in recent weeks, so i'm suited fine right now.
about diet: need to get one together. exercise will be a step in the right direction for me, but time is constantly ticking down for my upcoming trip to california (i think i mentioned that in my last blog entry, please correct me if i'm wrong!), but anyway. i haven't been eating much lately, mostly because there's not a lot of food in the house, due to my mom being tight on cash from trying to get me to school--she had to pay out more than she usually would, due to some paperwork fuck-up for my financial aid. but anyway, it's good that i haven't been able to eat a lot.
i've rambled on long enough, though, and i really need to hit the shower and get to bed--gasp, i'll actually be getting to sleep at a decent time tonight!! raging insomnia lately, it sucks BALLS. so hopefully i'll actually sleep instead of counting sheep. hooray.
strength, grace, beauty--you're all beautiful, so stay strong and come through with grace <3
<3,
sparrow
needless to say, this is a very stressful way to live. and so i've started more carefully plotting out my study times--though things will get easier once i get the research paper i'm writing for my history class turned in. it is due october 19, and i have to first get through two different books on my subject (susan b. anthony), and then write the paper and get the sources straight. argh. i seriously hate research papers. i also have a /major/ project coming up in my psych class, but it's going to be fairly easy. i have to propose a hypothesis and design an experiment around it... it'll be easy, because i don't have to actually carry out the experiment, just make a design for an experiment. once i have my hypothesis designed, i'll be golden.
i have two hypotheses i'm trying to decide between. the first is something along the lines of 'students who study throughout the week before an exam make better grades on the exam than students who cram at the last minute,' the second is 'students who get eight hours of sleep the night before a major test will make better grades on the test than students who slept little or not at all.' i'll probably wind up going with the second, but i need to have a meeting with my professor to get his input. luckily, the project is not due until the end of november, so i have time, but i'd rather get it done and out of the way, as it is mandatory to get a grade in the class. no turn in = grade of 'incomplete'. argh, stress.
anyway, as i was saying before, this one-sided piece of me is nothing new--when i have something to focus on (i.e. school; diet; exercise; and for a time, wedding planning) everything else tends to take a backseat. i have a very all-or-nothing personality haha. but since life itself is not all-or-nothing, i need to balance myself out. and so, starting tomorrow, i have regularly scheduled exercise planned into my week. i really need to get out more, but it seems my local friends and i are at two different places in our goal-plotting right now, and our schedules don't mesh. ah, well. i don't really mind, actually. i've become a bit of a loner in recent weeks, so i'm suited fine right now.
about diet: need to get one together. exercise will be a step in the right direction for me, but time is constantly ticking down for my upcoming trip to california (i think i mentioned that in my last blog entry, please correct me if i'm wrong!), but anyway. i haven't been eating much lately, mostly because there's not a lot of food in the house, due to my mom being tight on cash from trying to get me to school--she had to pay out more than she usually would, due to some paperwork fuck-up for my financial aid. but anyway, it's good that i haven't been able to eat a lot.
i've rambled on long enough, though, and i really need to hit the shower and get to bed--gasp, i'll actually be getting to sleep at a decent time tonight!! raging insomnia lately, it sucks BALLS. so hopefully i'll actually sleep instead of counting sheep. hooray.
strength, grace, beauty--you're all beautiful, so stay strong and come through with grace <3
<3,
sparrow
Thursday, September 8, 2011
college
well, college is going well. i'm really having fun, and i'm really excelling in my classes. it's going a lot better than i thought, as i've always thought of myself as fairly non-academic, but now i'm seeing that i'm actually smarter than i look. ;] i feel like i'm not only proving it to myself, but also to everybody else around me.
but that's not the only bright spot in my life lately. i have plans to go to california over winter break. my best friend (who i have the biggest crush on~ !) lives there, and i'm planning on finishing my associates' degree there next fall.
but anyway, this guy (we'll call him p, for now) has been my best friend since i was 12 years old. last year, we actually dated for a while, but the distance got to me, so i ducked out... but i never lost feelings for him. we actually discussed it a few days ago, and he feels the same for me! so i'm excited to see him, and excited to see what this could mean for us. (:
only problem? weight. looks. etc. i mean, he knows what i look like and everything, but i want to lose all the weight and be gorgeous for this meeting. i'm planning on leaving december 20th, so hopefully-hopefully-hopefully-fingers-crossed-and-god-give-me-strength, i will have already reached my ugw--109 lbs. i'm praying, anyway. ): and i think i can do it. i hope. argh. i need to quit overthinking and just DO IT.
also, can everybody pray for me? i'm right in the middle of the texas wildfires that are going on right now... and it's really scary. so whether y'all pray or just send good thoughts my way, i'd appreciate it so much. (:
strength and beauty,
<3, sparrow
but that's not the only bright spot in my life lately. i have plans to go to california over winter break. my best friend (who i have the biggest crush on~ !) lives there, and i'm planning on finishing my associates' degree there next fall.
but anyway, this guy (we'll call him p, for now) has been my best friend since i was 12 years old. last year, we actually dated for a while, but the distance got to me, so i ducked out... but i never lost feelings for him. we actually discussed it a few days ago, and he feels the same for me! so i'm excited to see him, and excited to see what this could mean for us. (:
only problem? weight. looks. etc. i mean, he knows what i look like and everything, but i want to lose all the weight and be gorgeous for this meeting. i'm planning on leaving december 20th, so hopefully-hopefully-hopefully-fingers-crossed-and-god-give-me-strength, i will have already reached my ugw--109 lbs. i'm praying, anyway. ): and i think i can do it. i hope. argh. i need to quit overthinking and just DO IT.
also, can everybody pray for me? i'm right in the middle of the texas wildfires that are going on right now... and it's really scary. so whether y'all pray or just send good thoughts my way, i'd appreciate it so much. (:
strength and beauty,
<3, sparrow
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
a letter
hello, love.
you've been away for quite some time. i was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten me. i never forgot you, you know. i've just been waiting for you to come to your senses and realize you can't live without me.
see? this is what you have been missing. this is what you have been denying yourself. no, now, don't give me that look. you know it's true. you can never achieve this without my help. you will never look like this without my guidance.
i'm sorry, darling, but you know i'm going to have to punish you for running away for so long. it's not going to be pleasant—i can promise you that. but won't it be worth it in the end? to prove yourself to me again? i can't help you if you won't accept whatever i tell you to do. in the end, don't you always discover that i know best?
you keep saying that you don't need me, that you don't have to prove yourself to me. but what about the rest of them? wouldn't it be nice to prove yourself to them for once? academically, you're shining like a star, and yes, i am very proud of you. but, darling, think how far you could go if you possessed not only brains, but beauty to match?
oh, you could outshine the sun. i know you could. you just have to listen to me. i'll just have to break you of that nasty habit of not listening to me and thinking you know better. love, you always come back to me. shouldn't that tell you something? that i was right all along?
'such a pretty face,' they tell you. but wouldn't it be prettier with cheekbones defined, jawline sharp enough to cut glass? with your pretty little ribcage peeking shyly through your skin, heart fluttering like a caged bird within? your fingers will be slender and delicate, and your legs will be the envy of everyone you see. don't you understand? i am the key to that paradise.
i can see the longing in your eyes. you want it, don't you? you want it all so bad you can practically taste it. well here it is. i'm holding it in the palm of my hand, and my fingertips are outstretched towards you. all you have to do is grasp my hand, squeeze it tight and follow me. i will show you the way. it's closer than you think, sparrow.
just take my hand
and
f o l l o w
fast today & tomorrow.
new plan coming soon
stay strong or this cruel world will knock you down.
<3,
sparrow
Sunday, June 26, 2011
thirty
pounds to go until i reach 115 for my wedding in march.
yes, i stepped on the scale today. and shouldn't have. i should've waited the extra week to go through a week of my six-month work-out plan. or maybe this was exactly what i needed? a kick in the ass to point me in the right direction?
hmm.
i'm shooting for 1-2 lbs/week. preferably 2. and i'll be there within 4 months. which gives me four more months of maintaining/losing a bit more if i feel the need. it'll give me a bmi of 20, but i'm thinking i'll be more comfortable with a bmi of 17-18. (97.5-103 lbs).
so far today, i've had an est. 500 calories and took a 20 min walk. not really planning on eating again until tomorrow. (:
how are you all doing? (:
yes, i stepped on the scale today. and shouldn't have. i should've waited the extra week to go through a week of my six-month work-out plan. or maybe this was exactly what i needed? a kick in the ass to point me in the right direction?
hmm.
i'm shooting for 1-2 lbs/week. preferably 2. and i'll be there within 4 months. which gives me four more months of maintaining/losing a bit more if i feel the need. it'll give me a bmi of 20, but i'm thinking i'll be more comfortable with a bmi of 17-18. (97.5-103 lbs).
so far today, i've had an est. 500 calories and took a 20 min walk. not really planning on eating again until tomorrow. (:
how are you all doing? (:
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
smoke
tomorrow, the plan is to fast. i'll do my zumba at 1, maybe take a walk later in the evening. i'm not sure about the last part yet, because it has been deathly hot for the past two weeks. 100+, with the humidity making it about 5 degrees hotter than the thermometer says.
i do not want to melt, thank you though.
anyway, just a quick update.
how are you all doing?
i do not want to melt, thank you though.
anyway, just a quick update.
how are you all doing?
air
i have not stepped on a scale in about three months.
how crazy is that?
i'm deathly afraid of what it will say. and when i say deathly,
i mean literally deathly afraid of the scale.
i hid my scale under my bed.
i couldn't even look at it anymore.
this was two months ago,
after it sat in my bathroom silently mocking me for one month.
thirty days.
seven hundred twenty hours.
forty three thousand two hundred minutes.
two million five hundred ninety-two thousand seconds.
i want to take it out. i want to weigh myself.
but i am afraid.
i know that if i weigh more than i want, i can simply exercise, diet, etc.
after all, a battle lost doesn't mean i can't win the war, does it?
but i'm still afraid.
so i set a date for myself--july 1.
i have to weigh myself.
i need to know.
my zumba dvds arrived. i tried the beginner dvd today. holy crap. it is harder than it looks. or i have no rhythm whatsoever. one or the other. tomorrow my six-month plan tells me to walk for 20 mins. lovely.
day after tomorrow, zumba again. this time, instead of halfassedly attempting to follow the dvd, i will watch how to do it, pause, do it until i get it right, continue.
july 1 goal weight--135. that's my 'usual' weight. and one i will not go above again.
xoxo, bre
how crazy is that?
i'm deathly afraid of what it will say. and when i say deathly,
i mean literally deathly afraid of the scale.
i hid my scale under my bed.
i couldn't even look at it anymore.
this was two months ago,
after it sat in my bathroom silently mocking me for one month.
thirty days.
seven hundred twenty hours.
forty three thousand two hundred minutes.
two million five hundred ninety-two thousand seconds.
i want to take it out. i want to weigh myself.
but i am afraid.
i know that if i weigh more than i want, i can simply exercise, diet, etc.
after all, a battle lost doesn't mean i can't win the war, does it?
but i'm still afraid.
so i set a date for myself--july 1.
i have to weigh myself.
i need to know.
my zumba dvds arrived. i tried the beginner dvd today. holy crap. it is harder than it looks. or i have no rhythm whatsoever. one or the other. tomorrow my six-month plan tells me to walk for 20 mins. lovely.
day after tomorrow, zumba again. this time, instead of halfassedly attempting to follow the dvd, i will watch how to do it, pause, do it until i get it right, continue.
july 1 goal weight--135. that's my 'usual' weight. and one i will not go above again.
xoxo, bre
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
plans
i just ordered a zumba dvd, and have pulled together a 6-month workout program. i have set a 900 calorie limit for the first month, stepping down 50 cals a month until i'm at 650 calories.
if i don't lose the weight this time, there is no hope left for me.
if i don't lose the weight this time, there is no hope left for me.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
floating
ah, emptiness,
how i've missed you so.
promise me you'll stay a while
and finally make me b e a u t i f u l~
how i've missed you so.
promise me you'll stay a while
and finally make me b e a u t i f u l~
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
beautiful
this morning is off to an excellent start.... so far, one cigarette and one cup of coffee + diet pill and multivitamin for breakfast. hopefully tomorrow i'm going to be able to go grocery shopping. i'm planning on loading up on fruits and veggies (grapefruits, strawberries, pineapple, grapes, salad mix, baby carrots), low-calorie/sodium soups and bottled water. my plan is to stick at 500 calories or under, and with all the fruits and veggies, that will be super-easy to do. i'm planning on having fruits/veggies during the day and then one soup for supper. (:
hopefully this time i can pull myself from my bad habits and finally emerge victorious. (:
hopefully this time i can pull myself from my bad habits and finally emerge victorious. (:
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
fast
i cannot focus anymore.
it's time to kickstart this shit.
i will fast tomorrow and the next day. and i will exercise. i'm in the process of making spreadsheets, and i'm going to fight this out. i will come out victorious this time.
it's time to kickstart this shit.
i will fast tomorrow and the next day. and i will exercise. i'm in the process of making spreadsheets, and i'm going to fight this out. i will come out victorious this time.
Friday, April 29, 2011
survey
stolen from justlikewho <3
Age: 17
Height: 5’3.5”
Weight: 135
Dress Size: idk
Highest Weight: 173 lbs.
Lowest Weight (at height): 125 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbs
Favorite Diet Food: fruit (esp. apples and grapefruit), salads,
Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, mexican food, chips, sweets
Favorite Exercise: walking with my dog, dumbbells, using leg weights,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
Where Do You Slip Up: when i stop thinking about it so much. or when i have a 'good' day where i feel good about myself. and once i do slip up, it starts a snowball effect. so if i slip up once, i will more than likely continue down that path until i somehow manage to shake myself out of it.
When Did It Start?
Hating your body: since i was 13.
Restricting/counting: about two years.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: too many at the moment. i would love to stay below 500 a day--that's when i seem to have the best success.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: squishy all over. too much boob, too much ass, too much thigh.
Are You In A Relationship: yes
Are You Depressed: not as much as i used to be.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes. when i was 13.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: no
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast
PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (i wish)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[x] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion
I’VE DONE -
[] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself
Age: 17
Height: 5’3.5”
Weight: 135
Dress Size: idk
Highest Weight: 173 lbs.
Lowest Weight (at height): 125 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbs
Favorite Diet Food: fruit (esp. apples and grapefruit), salads,
Favorite Binge Food: pasta, pizza, breads, mexican food, chips, sweets
Favorite Exercise: walking with my dog, dumbbells, using leg weights,
Favorite Thinspo: tiny legs with gaps, hip bones, flat tummy, real girls, before and after
Where Do You Slip Up: when i stop thinking about it so much. or when i have a 'good' day where i feel good about myself. and once i do slip up, it starts a snowball effect. so if i slip up once, i will more than likely continue down that path until i somehow manage to shake myself out of it.
When Did It Start?
Hating your body: since i was 13.
Restricting/counting: about two years.
Does Anyone Know: one person
You Want Help: no.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: too many at the moment. i would love to stay below 500 a day--that's when i seem to have the best success.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: squishy all over. too much boob, too much ass, too much thigh.
Are You In A Relationship: yes
Are You Depressed: not as much as i used to be.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: yes. when i was 13.
Ever Been To A Psychologist: no
I AM -
[ ] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast
PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos
I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn’t have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe i would be a little more normal
I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself
APPEARANCE -
[x] I am shorter than 5’4.
[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[ ] I have a tattoo. (i wish)
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I have/had braces.
[ ] I wear glasses.
[x] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles.
FAMILY -
[x] I’ve sworn at my parents.
[x] I’ve run away from home.
[] I’ve been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[] I’ve had children.
[] I’ve lost a child.
EMBARRASSMENT -
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[] I’ve peed from laughing.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[] I’ve glued my hand to something
[x] I’ve laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[] I’ve had my trousers rip in public.
RELATIONSHIPS -
[] I’m single
[] I’m in a relationship.
[x] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[] I’ve gone on a blind date.
[] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[] I’ve gotten divorced
[x] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship.
SEXUALITY -
[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[] I’ve had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain.
[x] I’ve hugged a stranger.
[] I have kissed a stranger.
HONESTY -
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve cheated on a test.
[] I’ve been suspended from school.
BAD TIMES -
[x] I’ve consumed alcohol.
[] I regularly drink.
[] I can’t swallow pills.
[] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point.
[x] I shut others out when I’m upset.
[] I take anti-depressants.
[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it.
[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose.
[x recovering x] I’m addicted to self harm.
[x] I’ve woken up crying
[x] I’ve lost weight
[x] I’ve gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[] I’m at my thinnest
[] I’m at my biggest
[kinda] I’ve lost weight and kept it off
[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I’ve skipped a meal
[x] I’ve thrown food away
[x] I’ve spit food out
[x] I’ve fasted
[x] I’ve taken diet pills
[] I’ve used laxatives
[] I’ve purged
[x] I exercise
[] I exercise so I can eat
[] I work out secretly
[] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[] I’ve fainted from exhaustion
I’VE DONE -
[] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[] Pain killers
[] Anti-depressants
[] Ecstasy
[] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[] Speed
[] Cocaine
[] Other
[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a diet blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I’m doing this for me
[] I’m doing this for someone
[x] I’m doing this to prove myself
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