well, it's me again. i apologize for being such a lazy blogger, but most of the time i'm out away from the computer. i'm going to see if i can start posting to here from my phone internet, though, so hopefully my updates will become more regular.

anyway, i've held pretty well steady at 142 lbs, taking new pics tomorrow, even though i haven't made any progress. i figured i might as well, haha.
oh! check out the pic of my new tattoo! (: got it started i think like two weeks ago, maybe, finally got it finished a few days ago... me and b got matching ones. (: they're on our hips, hers on the left, mine on the right haha. they're pretty cute. (:

photo was taken right after it was finished, so it's kind of messy haha. i'll take better photos of it after it's healed up and stops peeling and flaking!

anyway, there's been a lot of drama the past couple of days..... the biggest thing was, b found out that i'd slept with her ex-boyfriend (who will be called jm), which pissed her off majorly.... it's a long, complicated story between the two of them, but anyway, she was majorly pissed at me, but we talked and got it all sorted out... i'm kind of sad, though, because jm is freaking HOT. i think he's pretty amazing (as a person, friend, and in bed!), and i think that (if he had any interest in me besides as a friend/fuck buddy) he and i would make an AMAZING couple. unfortunately, we'll never know if that could happen, because one, i love b too much to do that to her, and two, because i don't think he has the same type of interest in me. but it's kind of whatever at this point, because i don't think i could be in a relationship right now.

oh, and speaking of relationships, j and i broke up. i'm kind of sad about that, but kind of happy too. while i love having a boyfriend, sometimes i just want to be a single girl, and flirt with whoever i want without feeling guilty. i've turned into a major flirt too, haha! i just feel very free in my own skin lately, and i love it.

anyway, i had a moment today. i walked into the house after spending another five days at b's apartment, pretty well high the whole time (wow, how come all my benders last five days? who knows!), and my mom takes one look at me and says "you look rode hard and put up wet". i kind of did a double-take at her, walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. my eyes have dark circles under them, my eyelids are heavy, my lips are chapped, and i had makeup smeared across my face. my shoulders were drooping slightly and i did look a hot mess. so i decided i'm going to stay home, away from the partying for a few nights, catch up on some sleep, and try to pretty myself up again.

it's odd though, because i've been looking at myself in a different light lately. most of the time i actually think i look hot (face-wise, anyway). even when i took that look in the mirror this morning, i looked like a mess, but somehow at the same time, there was a little something beneath it that kept me looking a little sexy. it's weird. i still hate most of my body, but from the chest up, i'm kind of hot. my collarbones are starting to pop again, my chin and cheekbones are getting a little more defined and i'm just looking good.... i'd be the happiest girl on the planet if i just had a flat stomach and less tits & ass. i don't really know what i'm trying to say--my thoughts confuse me sometimes. i think the point is, i'm gaining a little more self-confidence and self-esteem, even though i'm not happy with the way my body looks, i can still appreciate the few good things about it. it's just weird to me, because i've never had anything i've liked about my looks.

...i'm sorry haha. i've been kind of rambling on for this whole entry. i think i need some sleep, so i'm going to end here. (:

<3,
sparrow

hey everybody. i'm sorry i haven't been updating lately--life has been a crazy whirlwind lately, and it would take forever to retell everything.... but everything is actually really okay. i'm happy with where i am in life right now, and the only thing left for me to improve is myself.

unfortunately, that hasn't been going as well as i'd like. i haven't weighed myself since my last progress photos, and when i don't weigh myself for a while, i'm always scared to step on the scales again, especially if i was losing weight the last time i weighed. i'm always scared to step on there and see that i've just gained it all back. i don't know. maybe that's an irrational fear, but it still haunts me.
anyway, to keep my fears a little more in check, i'm going to be extremely strict on what i eat this week, exercise, the whole bit, and then step on the scales in one week's time. i'm a little nervous, but if i give it my all, i know that little number will reflect that, instead of reflecting the useless slob i see in the mirror.

i love you guys, and i miss you all. just a side note, if you're following me, but i'm not following your blog yet, please post a comment and i'll be sure and follow you. (: sometimes i comment, sometimes i don't, but i always read, and you always have my support. (:

<3,
sparrow

progress

ok, so these are the new photos... i don't see a lot of progress, myself.... i'm not sure. weighed in my bikini--141. halle-freaking-lujah. almost into the 130's again!!!

monday, october 10 -- 141 lbs

high

i have been high for a solid week.

this is the first time i have been almost sober since. and the only thing i want is to float away again, simply so i don't have to think of things i don't want to think of. being sober feels odd to me now. i'm not sure i like it.

i have hardly eaten in a week. when i'm high, the only thing on my mind is dancing and sleeping. never eating. i hate eating when i'm high. hate it. and so, i have reached my first goal weight. fully dressed, i weigh in at 143 lbs. i need to take new progress photos. my stomach feels less huge, and my shorts are fitting looser.

j and i are currently an 'item'. i was high and drunk when he finally asked me to be his again, and i said yes. we slept together yesterday, while we were both still mostly high, and it was pretty good, i guess, but i keep wishing it was p.... i know i'm using j as a crutch to get over p, but i'm not sure i care... i know j, and i know he doesn't have any real feeling for me, except as a friend, and that our 'relationship' is mostly a friends-with-benefits sort of thing, just as our last go at a relationship was. we're sort of using each other, just without saying as much. just sort of a mutual understanding that suits us both fine.

anyhow, i'm off to take new progress pics and to scrounge around the house for anything to give me a bit of my high back. i hate being sober. i know i'm soon to be addicted to being high, but i don't care. it's easier than dealing with all the bullshit of normal life. i'll come down--someday.

crazy week....

since friday, i've been here-there-everywhere. reconnected with my old best friend (we'll call her b, can't recall if i've mentioned her before) and my other old best friend, who is also an ex-boyfriend, j. my routine has consisted of: wake up around 2-3 in the afternoon, wait for my mom to get home from work, take the car to b's apartment, stay there surrounded by people i've quickly come to know and love until 4-4:30 am, drive back home so my mom can use the car to get to work, repeat.
wednesday will be great, because my mom is getting her car out of the shop, so if i just want to crash at b's place, i'll be able to. (: b, j, and i have had so many adventures in the past few days, it's insane. we're all closer than we ever were before, and i love it. they're pretty much my best friends on this planet right now. <3

as far as eating.... it's totally not been a priority. some days i don't eat at all until i come home in the morning, and then i'll eat something like a cheese stick (50) or something similar. i haven't weighed myself either... just hasn't been high on my mind, i've been running around so much. (: i feel like i might have lost some weight, though, so i do need to go check on that!!! life is just amazing... and the fact that p dumped me.... doesn't seem to hurt as bad anymore. yes, it still hurts, but since i have the two best friends in the world by my side, they keep me happy and sane. (:

i guess i'm going to go ahead and do the reflections i missed while i've been running around haha. (:

day eight: your workout routine
i had one, but i stopped sticking to it... mainly now, my entire routine is based pretty much on just not eating, or eating the bare minimum. eventually i'll get back to working out, i imagine, but right now life is too crazy, and i'm too busy holding on tight. (:


day nine: did anybody ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
my mom--constantly. just the subtle digs and stuff, you know what i mean? i'm not really aware of anybody else that did, since she was the main offender. but that's okay, because soon i will be skinny and she won't be able to say a damn thing <3

day ten: what was the hardest thing you gave up during this 'weight loss'?
eating in peace. now whenever i eat /anything/ there's a voice in my head constantly whispering "cut your portion down even more.... don't eat all of that! how many calories are in this? how are you going to make up for eating that? just imagine how you look--sitting here eating! you look so weak, like you rely on food, like everybody else... didn't you want to be skinny and beautiful? this isn't the way to get there!!!! STOP YOU FAT BITCH!" and also, whenever i eat, i imagine it all goes straight to my fat deposits and sticks there and never moves--even if it's something like three baby carrots, i still imagine i've gained a pound from it, and can literally feel my stomach growing and getting fatter. :\

reflections of the past two days

day six: do you binge? if so, explain why you think you do.

do i breathe? yes, i binge, and after i always feel dirty, horrid, ugly, fat. sometimes a binge can consist of simply eating a tiny meal that wasn't alloted for in my daily calories, or it could consist of me inhaling everything in sight--it doesn't matter. a binge is a binge, and binges are bad.
however, the feelings only last until i drop another pound, when i realize, while binges are bad, they can be erased if you just get back on track and stick to it.

explain... sometimes, i feel binges are inevitable, if you've spent your whole life putting emotional meanings on food. to comfort you, to calm you down, to relieve boredom, etc. it's almost like quitting smoking--those feelings are still there, and when you hit a weak moment, somehow you find yourself with food in your hand. perhaps eventually the binges can be overcome, but it takes a strong will and a conscious mind.


day seven: do your parents know you're trying to lose weight? do they care?

yes, my mom knows i'm trying to lose weight. in that sort of passing way, where she knows i'm very conscious of what i eat, but she tends to be around for my binges, so she believes i'm not trying to lose it in a 'dangerous' way. which is the one reason i'm /ever/ grateful for a mini-binge sometimes. the last thing i need is someone nagging me about what to eat and when--i'm not seven years old.


oh, and i wrote a poem based on my last blog entry--please enjoy. (:

beauty's breakdown 
i am caught in a web
of my own weaving
that tells me what i am worth:
absolutely nothing,
unless i am loved.

the day you walked away,
i looked in the mirror
and saw a monster,
someone unworthy
of someone like you

my hair is a hazy cloud
and my eyes are dull.
my lips are chapped,
and yet i'm still biting them.
my breasts leap forward,
center of attention,
and my thighs are pale white,
and still too large

there is simply too much
for a girl like me--
someone who simply wishes
to disappear

this is the problem with love:
falling in love is masochistic-
you will be broken in the end.

my left wrist bears new scars,
and my right hand flicks a cigarette.
i have started down my old paths
laden with self-destruction
simply because there is nobody left to care.

i'm beyond influence now,
for i do as i please.
what i please is to starve
until my ribcage protrudes,
and i can fondle
the points of sharp hipbones.
what i please is to smoke
until my chest aches
and i wake choking on nicotine.

i cannot be with you now,
for i am no longer perfect,
for i have ceased to try.
my heart is closed off,
and you will not enter.

someday you will come around,
and you will open your eyes and see me,
an ugly, broken shell
of the girl you once loved.

yet somehow i pray,
you will not see ugliness,
but instead, see beauty in my breakdown.

there is poetry written between my fingers
and my eyes trace portraits on the ceiling
i am an artist tonight:
painting my own destruction

love and hate

me and myself—we have a love-hate relationship, that mostly gets in the way of such trivial things as 'feeling beautiful' and 'feeling as if i have worth'. my mind works on a separate wavelength that brings my own personal feelings of value down to 'how much weight have you lost today?' 'what did you eat today?' 'who loves you today?'.

it's a twisted web that i've woven around myself, telling myself that i am worth nothing unless i am both skinny and loved. i am neither, and thus i have no worth. the day he told me he couldn't love me at this point in time, i looked in the mirror, and all i saw was a monster. someone who was not worth being loved, someone who was not worth even a passing glance.

my hair is a hazy cloud around my face, and my eyes stare dully from a face that would be lovely, were it not for a slightly-too-high forehead, and protruding cheeks. my lips are dry and chapped, and i'm still biting them. my chin is a tiny thing that tilts upward in determination. my face tapers down a slightly-too-short, but otherwise slender neck, to the shoulders of a football player, my breasts leap forward, crying out “here i am!”. my waist tapers gently, and my stomach swells forward, an ugly blemish, a tumor behind my creamy pale skin. my hips jut to the sides, too large, too womanly a shape for a girl like me. my thighs touch, and i spend my days grabbing them and wishing they would magically shrink. my feet are wide and i sometimes think of them as hobbit's feet.

there is nothing subtle about my body. there is simply 'too much' and yet nothing outstanding that would make me 'beautiful', whether in a classically beautiful way, or a modernly beautiful way. i am simply the girl that is average beyond average and there is nothing that could capture interest in any way. he made me feel beautiful, for a time, until he decided he could not stay with me, for reasons of his own.

i cried that night. i never cry over breakups. i feel hurt, but i never cry. he is one of two people i have cared for above and beyond anything or anyone before. the first was when i was 15 years old. he and i were magic, and we lasted nearly a whole year, until he went his own direction.

that is the problem with falling in love with your best friends—they hold the power to break you beyond anything you have ever felt in your life. now i have started back down my old paths of self destruction. i started smoking again, because my hands needed something to keep them busy, away from the knife and my wrist—but too late, my left wrist bears new scars, and i can only hope to keep from adding more.

last night i went out with my old best friend—someone i hadn't hung out with in two months, simply because she's a bad influence at times. i'm beyond influence at this point. i do as i please, and what i please is to starve until i can cup my ribcage in my hands and fondle sharp hipbones protruding from my body. what i please is to smoke cigarettes until i wake up coughing so hard i cannot breathe.

what i please is to rekindle my friendship with a boy who broke my heart in january—one of my best friends, who i pushed out of my life after we had an arrangement that led to mutual hurt on both sides. this time, we have grown, and i feel that our friendship could be even more beautiful this time. when he smiles, he sets my heart on fire. i love the sort of friendship we have—so casual, and so easy. when we first met, it was so weird. when i first meet someone, i am shy. i cannot open up until much, much later, and then, only a little at a time. when i first met this boy (we will call him j), i felt so comfortable with him that within five minutes, i was telling him secrets that i had held close to my chest, never telling a soul. except him. we 'get' each other. and our friendship reflects that. we can be talking about something serious, and somehow it flips to us laughing. he makes it easy to talk to him, and our friendship is based upon that. the ease of talking, and just easy, harmless, casual flirting. i know, after what happened in january, that he and i couldn't be in an actual relationship, but somehow, i don't mind. i like us just the way we are.

i've come to the conclusion that i cannot be in a relationship. somehow, everything gets messed up, and everything falls apart. and so i'm on a 'love' hiatus. i will not give my heart away, and i will flirt with whoever i please, but i refuse to fall in love. trouble comes when you give your heart away too quickly, or to the wrong person.

and i will continue to grow thinner and thinner, until the right man cannot help but fall in love with me. until i cannot help but fall in love with him. and then my love story/fairy tale can start.

until then, remember: strength, grace, beauty. stay strong, come through with grace, and people will see your beauty.

<3,

sparrow

today, the fast went well <3 no food crossed my lips. entirely too much coffee? yes. but no food. (:
went for a two-mile walk, felt amazing. (: thinking about going for an after-dark jog, undecided about that just yet. (: but i'm feeling good today <3


day five: why do you really want to lose this weight? are you doing it for you?
hmm... i'm mostly doing it for me. mostly. i'm a work-in-progress on the whole 'loving yourself' thing... somehow, i always feel that would be easier if i was skinny.
everything wrong in my life, i somehow bring back to my weight. examples, "if you weren't so fat, he'd still be with you." "if you weren't so fat, she'd be your friend." "if you weren't so fat, you'd be smarter." just ridiculous stuff that doesn't make sense sometimes. i guess i feel like if i lose weight, my life will be so much better, which is another reason i really want to lose it.
and another, i guess, is to make people proud of me. to show them exactly what i'm capable of. i'm capable of being beautiful. i'm capable of being strong-willed and single-minded. i'm determined. i'm strong. <3

fast

i believe i'm fasting today. (: i didn't really plan to, i just rolled out of bed and though "well. today seems like a fast day. (:" and so it is. (:

in about thirty minutes, i'm going for a 2 mile walk, and then tonight i'm going for a jog. (: no strength workout tonight! i need to find a different one!! it all feels ridiculously easy to me. i guess i have better muscles than i thought. odd, when i'm still flabby as hell. i don't know--my body is freaking weird. hoping i can get enough progress in the next few days to show up in my results pictures!! this week's were so dang embarrassing, i don't want to go through that again. ):

anyway, i don't really have a lot else going on, so i'll keep this post short, and i'll post my daily reflection later tonight. <3

stay lovely,
<3,
sparrow

reflections

day four: your greatest fears about weight loss

i think my greatest fear is never being able to see it for myself. no matter what other people tell me about myself and my body, all i see is a gigantic cow staring back at me. no matter what--that's all i've ever seen.
another fear, i guess, would be being afraid i wouldn't be able to keep it off. i'm afraid i might go to sleep one night and wake up as a gigantic whale.
i just want to see my bones and reveal my beauty, but i'm so scared that's never going to happen. it keeps me up at night just scared that i'll never see it, that this will never be enough, and that i'll live out my entire life as the ugly duckling.

i'll never be a swan

<3,
sparrow

today:

breakfast:
1/2 cup light vanilla soy milk (40) over 1/2 cup kashi cereal (60) - 100 calories
supper:
1 cup campbell's select harvest italian wedding soup: 100 calories

stayed up all night last night, so slept practically all day. no time to take the walk i was supposed to take before it gets dark, and as i live waaaaay out in the woods, i'll be fucked before i walk down the road after dark. at night we have coyotes in our back yard, even, so i'm not going anywhere near the woods. :P tomorrow i'll take a walk as well as my jog, so that should balance me out. (:

i'm down to 147, finally! body keeps looking at me like "lol, right" when i weigh myself. -_- guess i'm finally getting rid of water weight. (: i'm using fiber choice tablets as well... probably using too many of those, but i'm not too concerned at this point. whatever works. (:

i think that's all that's gone on today, really... (: been a good day, again! (:

strength, grace, beauty,
<3,
sparrow